Forever's Going To Start Tonight

Saturday was my brother Paul's wedding. He got married. It was at a golf course. It was great. I was the best man. It was hot in the tux and in the sun.  I wasn't allowed to sign the papers because I'm not old enough. So I sang Total Eclipse of the Heart while the wedding papers were being signed.  My new sister is a Glee fan, I can't say that I am not.  The ceremony went well. My mom cried. My brother has never seemed happier.  And I am pretty sure I sang well.  Others said I did so, I will assume it wasn't horrible.

The reception was great.  It had a six course meal.  I ate a lot.  My speech sucked because my humor does not sit well at a wedding and I am just bad at writing speeches.  But the steak came out just after my speech so hopefully most people forgot all about it in the massive steak and potato.  Though I was complemented on the speech, mostly by strangers.  Out of the 500+ guests at the wedding I probably knew about 150 of their names.  I was allowed a date. I didn't bring one. Someone gave out my cell number to whoever wanted it I guess. I have been getting a lot of texts from unknown persons. My new sister, Michelle,  said that a lot of her cousins asked about me. She told them I was single. Thanks, you can stop helping now sis.

The night was fun.  I got a game of golf in. Everyone was dressed up, strangely I love dressing nicely.  I sang and played the piano. I got to talk to strangers, another weird love of mine. I ate a ton of food. and I got to dance. So yes I enjoyed myself. 

They went on a cruise, to the Mediterranean.  If they weren't on a honeymoon, they'd have had to take me with them.


Because he fell in love tonight, It can be assumed
His carefree days with me are over
In short, my brother is doomed (well not doomed)

The 26th

Some days are harder than others.  The twenty sixth of every month is more of a struggle than any other day.  Nine months ago today.
Tears will be shed today in remembrance of all of you.  Me, your parents, siblings, family. Friends.
We miss you. 

So far away from where you are
these miles have torn us worlds apart
and I miss you
yeah, I miss you
and I wish you were here

My Mentor Hermit God

I would be lying to you if I told you that I was happy with God.  With everything that has happened I have been very angry.  But I was left with very few people to blame.  Besides him.

I am being brought up in a Christian Reformed home with strong ties to the church.  I would go every Sunday for as long as I could remember.  Christmas for me wasn't a day just for presents but for celebrating God's gift to us.  And never had I questioned my faith until my life was drastically changed. 

When I was smaller I pictured God as a big impressive man who wore a suit and dressed important. Someone who showed great authority, he was someone who naturally made you fear him. He was tall and handsome yet graying slightly.  When I thought about God, I thought of someone like the President or Prime Minister.  You would admire him from afar but be extremely fearful of speaking to.

When I discovered my love for art and painting and drawing, God was explained to me this way.  I was told that he was a great designer that he molded me and created everything we see in nature. It showed me the creative side of God. How everything was so intricate and different.  I understand how much he must have loved creating everything. The entire universe in a mere six days must have been quite the feat.   Suddenly He and I had something in common, suddenly God became much more real.  He and I both loved to create. Of course my creations are paintings or drawings or edited pictures and not me or the earth but it's still a similarity. And I was curious as to how God would paint my picture. So He and I became much more close.
But when my life changed it is like God was painting the scenery maybe planning a stunning sunset to represent the end of my life. Full of reds when something knocks his elbow and the sunset red becomes blood red all over my life, all over those I love and all over myself. 

My appreciation for his artwork plummeted.  How could an artist so careful and brilliant make such a mistake?  My mental image of him went from an impressive man in Paris painting beautiful pictures, to a Hermit attempting pictures but his addictions make him too shaky to paint anything really beautiful.   So I left him, I stopped admiring his work, I started to despise it.   I stopped trying to learn how to paint like him because I thought his paintings were awful.

Until one day. It is almost like he found where I was evading him, he had cleaned up a little. Not as impressive as before but a lot less hermit like.  Dressed in painters clothes he wants to show me a painting he is working on.   Reluctantly I followed just to please him. 

It was my old painting. The one I thought he ruined.  But in fact he made it beautiful, the red streak that I thought ruined the painting became the centerpiece.  It wasn't painted like before, not all perfectly symmetrical lines, and everything perfectly to scale, the painting now, more abstract.  Colors everywhere and just a faint outline of the perfect painting of before. 
He told me that it wasn't done yet. That the red splotch would slowly move out of the forefront of the painting.  He told me that there is a lot more work to do and that I could learn a lot from him, if I wanted.  I just smiled at him and picked up a paintbrush and watched him work my painting. Admiring once again.

 

 

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west 

Was all but won
All alone 

Smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything".

Early morning 

The city breaks
I've been callin'
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You've got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want.

Lost and insecure 

You found me, you found me

November 26, 2009

Excitement was in the air that morning, the day was crisp.  The sun was more of an illusion because it let off no heat.  I had picked up Hannah on my way to Josh's house.  We were cruising down the street, the radio blaring and we were belting out the lyrics. She was a morning person, and when her and I were together, so was I.  

The morning air blasted our faces as we stepped out of my truck, she ran inside the house as I grabbed our bags. In the back of my truck sat four bags, one suitcase was mine, the duffel bag and other two suitcases were hers.  When I went to pick her up that morning I went to the door and saw three bags waiting on the porch.  I couldn't help but laugh, we were only going to be gone four days.  

I brought our bags inside and sat on the couch with Hannah and Evan as we waited for Mike and to show up and for Josh to finish closing up the house.  We were going to Josh's cottage for the weekend, his parents and sisters were already up there.  Hannah asked me how comfortable all eight of us would be in the cottage. She had never seen the cottage before. It is probably bigger than my house.

When Mike finally arrived, a half our late as expected, Josh had locked the house up, and I had packed the van, we all piled into it and Josh backed out of his driveway. We were on the road ready for the five hour drive to the cottage.  Little did we know that our trip would be cut short barely two hours down the road.

We were cruising down the road again, We had stopped for a coffee break at Tim Hortons, and without meaning to, pissed off the drivethru lady because we all wanted different coffee, different muffins, different donuts.  In hindsight we probably should have gone into the store to buy our food.  We had stopped for gas, and even though we were off to a slow start our spirits were high.  We sang songs, we made jokes, we laughed at eachother, and we played the alphabet game, Harry Potter style.  Just after we thought of Y-Yaxley, I remember the world slowing pace while my heart beat quickened. Josh's head resting on his shoulder as he peacefully slept in the driver seat, how could he look so peaceful while our worlds were falling apart? The car started to veer left into opposing traffic.  Evan, in the front seat quickly unbuckled and grabbed the steering wheel.  Attempting to pull the van back into its proper lane.  As we were turning, I looked to my left and saw  Hannah, horror overtook her face, drained of all blood, her eyes turned gray with fear and they locked with mine.  Then behind her, I saw the truck approaching from the opposite direction, heading straight for the van, straight for Hannah.  The lights from the truck illuminated her from behind giving her an almost angelic look.  
And then it happened, the collision.  The truck that looked so similar to mine crashed right into the side of the van.  The van crumpled instantaneously. Crushing everyone on that side of the van as well.  Hannah was on that side.  Shards of glass attacked my face for what felt like hours, though I now know it was only a second. I was disoriented, completely confused, I forced the van door open and fell out.  I stood up, brushed my shirt off and stood there in shock for a few seconds.  Without thinking I pulled out my phone and called for 911.  Dazed I talked with the woman on the phone, still not comprehending what had really happened.  A firetruck pulled in and no one was left on the other side of the phone.  When I realized what had happened.  
I tried to run back to the van, to pull Hannah out, to see how everyone else was.  I had just made it to the van and was getting my first glimpse of what I saw, it still haunts my sleep.  My knee let out and I fell into the van,  and then I felt warm liquid roll down my leg, the adrenaline and shock from the crash was wearing off and I could feel my shattered knee.  The pain was unbearable. I blacked out.
When I woke, I found myself on a stretcher, waiting for the next available ambulance. A paramedic looked at me and my first question was about Hannah, he moved aside and there she was on the stretcher beside mine.  She was unconscious, I asked if she'd be alright. The paramedic lied, whether on purpose or not, I'll never really know.  I watched her as she rose and fell with her shallow breaths. The ambulance came and we both were put into the same one. As I was being lifted into the ambulance, I caught a glimpse of two other stretchers, white sheets pulled over their heads. Sirens blaring I grabbed her hand and no matter how hard I gripped her hand I still let her slip through my fingers and into the hands of death itself.
I lived, I remember what happened.  Evan, Josh and Hannah are dead.  Mike is alive and doing well though he was knocked unconscious in the crash.  Doctors are still in awe as to how he lived.  I was to worried for Mike and to busy mourning the dead to bother to wonder what happened to the man in the truck.  Nobody I ask ever seem to have an answer. But that could leave me as the soul person who remembers the crash for what actually happened.  Not as to how the police recreated the scene. Not as to how the reporters retold the story. But as to what tragedy actually occurred on November 26, 2009 at 10:46AM.
Do not regret growing old, many are denied the privilege.

I Fricken Loved You

To one Miss Hannah Elizabeth van Den Dool,

What else can I really say to you, I fricken loved you. And I know that I always will. What happened to us was straight out of a sappy movie that girls cry in and guys are bored to tears in.  Only it actually happened.  I didn't keep saying 'I love you' so that I would know for sure that the last thing you heard was my proclamation of love for you.  I wish I had.  I didn't overcome my pain and stand over you and kiss your dying lips, though I wish I had.  But our hands were intertwined as yours grew limp, I refused to let it go, I refused to let it grow cold. Because every notch in our hand fitted perfectly,  your thumb was on my callous, hopefully reminding you of my never ending guitar strumming songs I sang for you.

We were THE couple.  People told us that we were getting married.  We weren't the kind of couple that would sit in a lonely hallway and make out, We did have some Public Display of Affection, but it wasn't what some people would call it.  You would touch my callous finger while we held hands, you would push me away as we walked together and I always had to smile.  You would ask me to get you things and though I'd say no, I'd be standing up seconds later to get it for you. And you'd smile at me. And I would have to smile back. We weren't always seen together, but I was always wondering to myself what you were doing.  We'd watch a movie and you'd put your head on my chest and hear my heart beat, smell my cologne.  I'd kiss your head gently and smell your soft hair. Purposefully I would forget to shave some mornings because you liked the stubble on my chin, no matter how much it irritated me. And most of all, You would say my name, William.

You would say to me that you only dated me because you knew that we could have blonde hair and blue eyed children, but those wouldn't come until after university was finished. And I'd just laugh.

What were the last words you heard me say to you?  As I look back on the day, I can't remember.  It keeps me up at night wondering. 

I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I do.  I love you, I should have covered you with myself, I should have saved you. I should have died. Because I love you, I will never stop blaming myself.  

so I draw you, I hope you like it Hannah, because I Fricken Love You.

911.

"911, Fire, Police, or EMS?"

"I-I think I need help."

"Okay sir, what is your emergency?"

"I was in a car crash."

"Are you alright sir? EMS is on its way. Can you get out of the vehicle?"

"Yeah, I'm already out"

"Are you injured in anyway?"

"No, I feel fine. I can see my knee."

"Was there anyone else in the vehicle with you?"

"My friends are in there, Josh, Evan, Mike and Hannah.

"Are they okay sir?"

"I don't know. They aren't talking. Can you just send help?"

"Help is on its way, just stay on the line with me. Are any of your friends responsive?"

"I don't know they are in the car. Ah my knee feels funny."

"Okay sir, EMS has arrived, they will take it from here."

My life was lost that day. But unlike the three victims who were in the car with me, I have a chance to find it again.  Hang out with me as I limp around, searching for the life I lost.