Tonight I Wanna Cry

On Friday, we had an assembly.  It was focused on the arts.  It was in memory of them. Evan used to paint, Hannah would sing, and Josh played countless instruments. So in the assembly, we had the band and orchestra play.  Someone painted a picture during the assembly and we watched as they moved along. The choir sang and so did many other people, including me.  
The day was sad, most of the school was crying.  As the school started to fill just before 9am, the usual bustle and laughter was not heard in the halls. Students were silent.  I walked in the doors and the eyes in the lobby fell on me, then a few seconds later resumed to looking at where they were going.  At lunch, I was surrounded by people supporting me.  We were in a hallway and at one point probably 200 students were standing around me.  It was slightly claustrophobic but it was silent so it wasn't too bad.  We stood there and heard the breaths of one another and the tears that hit the floor.  Someone started to pray and relief could be felt in the crowd.  I started to shiver with intensity as the rest of the students started to pray at the same time, all aloud and the noise of the mixed voices was a comfort in contrast to the silence of the day.
I am sure more is to come on this day.
But for now, here is the song I sang at the assembly.

Tonight I Want To Cry
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walking away

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control
I'm just drunk enough, let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
'All By Myself' sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
I'll never get over you by hiding this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control
I'm just drunk enough, let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control
I'm just drunk enough, let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Devastation

In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate
-Isaac Asimov

Friday is the big day and I'm expected at school
...big day. The thought of calling it the big day makes me feel nauseous. 
It's just a reminder of the day from hell. Like Good Friday without an Easter Sunday.

I hate how the world kept turning even when it seemed to be crashing down around me.  I hate how time kept going forward even though that half hour lasted days.  I hate how life goes on even when three of them just ended. 

Hurt

I swear that now my knee is hurting worse as we approach this year anniversary, it hurts all the time.  One week two days.  It might only be a week and one day by the time I post this. Depends on how long I take. 
It's natural that I am having a hard time with this right?  Just tell me that it's normal that I have to walk out of class because I don't want everyone to see me crying.  I mean, I was there!  I watched my friends die.  For every second I feel pain in my knee, ten is remembering them.  I can't stand still with my thoughts, but I can't walk with my knee. 
I can't concentrate on anything anymore.  Every waking moment a thought about what could be happening now.  What was happening this time last year.  A thought about the crash. The funerals. The hospital. The tears. The frustration. The rage. The pain.
There is a point of desperation that some people feel, when they so badly want to escape the emotional pain that they are feeling so they try and distract themselves from it.  But the only thing that they can find is more pain.  
There is a point of desperation that some people feel, when they so badly want to escape the emotional pain and they realize that distractions can only last for a while, the only option that they see is to remove themselves from the pain.  To remove themselves from this world.           
I have yet to reach this desperation.  I never tried to inflict more pain upon myself because I felt immense amounts of it already.  The physical pain never blotted out the grief i felt.  The ability to feel just expanded one-hundred fold after the crash.  Somehow my head made room for both pains, one never softened the other, if anything they encouraged one another. Maybe it's because they both happened at the same time, maybe if I had inflicted pain later it could have done some distracting. 
Maybe some other drugs could have helped remove some of the emotional pain like the medication took away some of the physical.  
Maybe if I had killed myself I would be in peace.  I wouldn't be going through this hell on earth.  I had said before that I would have gladly died in the place of them.
But had I started cutting myself, the amount of pain I could feel would probably just have increased again.  Drugs would have probably just clouded my head and not clear it. Hannah never approved of drugs anyway.  Neither did I, to be clear.  She wouldn't have wasted the life if she had been given the opportunity, so neither will I.
I said that I would have died for them. I won't die for myself though.  I am not dead and there must be some reason for that. There must be a reason why I was spared when I wish I wasn't.  Giving up my life because I saw so many others had theirs taken away doesn't make sense.  I know that I am lucky to be alive, even though it's not what I want, it is better than being dead. And if I remember that, I should be just fine.  
Not fine. But alive.  I haven't forgotten it yet, so I should be alright.   

Rant

"There's a whole lot of things that I will forgive
But I just can't take a liar"

 I am a blunt person.  You ask me a question and I will give you the honest truth.  If you are looking for a pity party or someone to build up your self esteem, I would not suggest you come to me for help.  Maybe it is because of my past experiences or it has just always been my personality, but I don't deal with that sort of shit that people make up to make you feel better.  Things like "It was a good effort" really means, "it sucked and you are an idiot now go away."

I don't answer things the politically correct way.  I find that politically correct really means either not giving an answer or telling a lie.  That is why you stick politically in front of correct. 

See, I am the Student Council president at my school. We like to share our ideas with everyone on the council and sometimes they go places. Sometimes they don't.  And some people, a certain person actually, always has the worst ideas of my life. He suggested we forced ever person at the school to have to pay $100 so that we could plan events.  I shot that one down gently.   He probably had his 20th bad idea so far this year, he didn't want to serve any food at our banquet.  I don't think he understands the word banquet. I was a little bit frustrated with him.  I sunk like 100 bullets into that idea, ripped it out of his brain, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. EVEN WITH A BAD KNEE. He frustrates me a little bit. 

Well, moral of the story,  besides don't come up to me with horrible idiotic ideas while I am stressed out to the max with school and Council stuff and Recruitment and Concert Band Christmas Performance  and Assembly Planning and work, would be don't be let idiots know when they are being dumb so that they might catch on and get better, that is my thought on it anyways.

Another day I will deal with the under lying reasons as to why I am so involved.

Free McDonalds Coffee is keeping my alive.

Sorry, school is busy, blogging can't be kept up like I had hoped.

I have lots to say.  

I had planned to write about something different, so the quote would have made sense, I got off topic.

And Now We Lie, In Flanders Fields

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
   The torch; be yours to hold it high.
   If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
         In Flanders fields.
In Flanders Fields 
          -John McCrae

Today we remember the veterans who fought for our freedom.  We remember the young men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice, their life. We remember the families that should have been but never were. Throughout the country people dawned their poppies, for many of us, we think of loved ones who fought or are fighting for freedom.  for two minutes today the whole country, with heads bowed respectfully, stopped, reflected, cried in silence at 11:00.  As if the whole country held its breath and hundreds of trumpets played in unison, The Last Post.  

Whether we honor those who died in November or we stand, remove our cap and clap for the veterans in July, Lest We Forget.

Bribes? They Are Working

I was encouraged to start driving to school again.  My dad thought that buying me a car would help inspire me to drive.  It worked to be honest.  It's not exactly a car. Its blue and shiny, it's an SUV, and it might be a Mercedes and it may be brand new.  You don't need to know the price.  I call it a truck, because it's easier and it sounds cooler.
I still don't drive that often.  Sometimes even getting into a car stresses me out.  Sometimes, when I get into a car my memory becomes vivid and I don't realize that it is just a memory.  My mouth goes dry and I feel nauseous.  I feel like my stomach has been stabbed and the knife has been left to sit there, my stomach cramps around the blade.  Sometimes, I can feel the warm thick blood dripping down my leg.
I drove to school today. I was slightly comforted by knowing that I was the only one in the truck.  I got to school fine.  I pulled into a parking spot near the back ten minutes before school started.  I put the truck in park and then slowly released the break.  I rested my elbows on the steering wheel and covered my face with the palms of my hands, fingers in my hair.  I took deep breaths and told myself that I got to school, that I did fine, that I would be fine. I sat there still to afraid to get out of the truck.  I know it's strange,  the very thing that scares me is the thing that I can't seem to leave.  I turned on the radio.  Grenade, Bruno Mars.  I turned it off again.  I felt like I might puke.  I put the window down to get some cold air on my face.  I took a deep breath of the air and my throat felt like ice.  I put the window back up again. pushed the emission to turn the car off.  
I don't know if people were staring at me, or my Mercedes, maybe both. I'm not really sure but I was feeling even more uncomfortable with the stares.  
I sat in the car a few more minutes before going inside.  Class had already started but I had a look of great distress still on my face as I walked into Biology.  She looked up, saw me and her stern look turned into compassion.  She sighed, "William, nice of you to finally join us. You're seat is still waiting."
And the day went on without a problem.