Let me tell you something freeing about traveling around. This fact may seem depressing to some and it is probably the reason why many people return home after a short while. This is the thing that I love so much about traveling right now though.
When I am traveling, when I was in Kenya a few weeks ago, I met so many new people, and there, I wasn't the kid who was in a car accident and lost everyone, I wasn't the one who lost his mother months ago. To them I was something strange and different, something that they did not know and something that they didn't need to know. Nobody cared about my past, however while climbing the mountain a few questions were raised about how well I could actually do it considering my knee.
What I am really trying to get at, is that when I travel, I have no past, nobody recognizes me so very few of my old labels may be stuck on my back. I don't get automatic sad eyes from everyone around me. People don't talk to me and ask me "How are you doing?" I can talk to new people and before anything about my personal self and past has to come up, I have left for a new country or a new city. When I travel, I feel free, without a past, nothing tying me down.
I think that people who have left for university are feeling similar things now, they don't have to be their old self, they can if they want, but if you need to reinvent yourself, if you want to be more outgoing, more adventurous, or less snobby now is the time to do it.
I highly recommend traveling, don't go with a set plan. You could go from climbing Kilimanjaro to sitting in a cafe in Moscow writing a blog about nothing important.
Travel, especially if you need a break from your past
The first crack in my wall appeared when I was eight. It wasn't deep though, you can't crack a wall deep when it is still fresh. Brand new walls seem to have an elasticity to them that fades quickly as it ages.
I am 18 years old. My wall should be sparkly, not like a vampire or like a flamboyant mans outfit but like new and never been harmed. Instead it has been under siege for the past ten years. My walls have been battered down by diseases and deaths and injuries. I think that I have been doing pretty well, until recently. I am struggling.
I watched as my mom lost her father, I watched her struggle with it while I was grieving over a lost grandfather, you could see the deep sadness on her face. You can't fully understand the expression until you have experienced the cause.
She was the person who kept my hopes up. She was the lady who beat the odds and lived when she was supposed to die. My mom never gave up, never acted sad. She always had her head up. And then she died.
My mama told me when I was young
Said sit beside me my only son
And listen closely to what I say
And if you do this it'll help you some sunny day
Oh, take your time, don't live too fast
Troubles will come and they will pass
You'll find a woman and you'll find love
And don't forget that there is a someone up above
And when she died I could feel the walls supports shudder.
It has been a long three months. I haven't done anything but sit in the rubble of my demolished wall. I've made no attempt at rebuilding it. I don't have the energy for this stuff. I have lost my drive and desire but the world is coming around again and I have to go into it.
To be perfectly honest, a lot of things have lost their meaning to me. A lot of really amazing things, that I used to love and that I should still love mean nothing. I've been told that it is typical to lose motivation and that with time I'd start to gain interest in things again.
This was the summer that I was allowed to try playing soccer again and I was so ready to play again. Maybe part of it is the weather that has been happening here. Most of the USA and Canada are under huge heat waves of temperatures that are more than doubling the temperature here but I don't go outside much anyways right now. I used to like to swim and I used to like going to my cottage but now it doesn't seem to matter.
Most of all I have lost the desire for words. I used to use them in writing and singing and of course talking but now it doesn't seem to do anything. It doesn't send a spark, or evoke any deep emotion. People say that they escape into music when things happen to their lives but music is evading me and it was the most amazing thing in my life. When mom was sick, it was so helpful, I could express when I had to but I could also escape into a different world, one with melodies and harmonies instead of pain and sickness and death.
I don't have the will to keep moving or writing.
When the joy stops outweighing the sorrow, I don't know what to do.
These are all the things I am afraid to say aloud.
I am afraid of dying.
I am afraid of heaven.
I am afraid that people won't remember me there.
and that I won't remember them.
I am afraid that when I die, it will be just me and God and I won't be allowed any other contact. That he is really some sort of cult leader. I know it sounds stupid.
I am afraid of following blindly. I am afraid of these tests that God is putting me through as though it is some sort of initiation to a gang.
I don't like how he is taking away everything and still expecting me to follow him.
He wants us to choose to follow him but he doesn't make it easy.
He says that he loves us but he hurts us more than we could ever imagine.
It is like he is trying to make us turn away from him
It seems like he is hurting us only to make him feel important when he provides the comfort. He kills off the people we love and then as if that isn't a big enough power trip for him he tries to comfort us too. It seems two-faced.
He makes it so hard to trust him.
How often does he want us to prove our faith?
Or is he trying to see how long until we give up?
Are those who trust in God really only the fools who haven't given up on the Devil in disguise?
Jeremiah 29:11:“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
Thy Kingdom come Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. But give us this day our daily bread
I am slightly confused see, the 'LORD' says that he has plans for us to prosper and to be happy, for us to live and to be kept safe, he plans to give us hope and a future.
So far the only thing that he has given me is hope. But he took that away too along with my mom and my best friends.
You can probably guess that I am angry. Angry at God for toying with my mothers health before yanking it completely away from us.
People who 'play god' mess with other peoples lives and see how messed up they can make it. I never understood that expression until now.
It is hard talking to people now. Nobody really knows what to say. I don't have anything new to talk about as they are standing there awkwardly attempting to think up something intelligent to say that will make everything better for me. There isn't a sentence or magical incantation that you can say that will instantly heal all wounds. There isn't a special concoction that you can brew up to make me feel better however I find that coffee does help occasionally. The fact that you are there though, helps. It doesn't make anything even a little bit better but it makes it a damn lot easier.
My dad is at work again and I am home alone. Right now, I am just bored, I need to talk to people. Conduct regular human interactions. To an outsider, it may have appeared that my father and I became really close during this whole fiasco. Me and my dad spent a lot of time together but we didn't really get any closer. We spent time together in public, but when we got home, I went to my room and my dad went somewhere else. I need space to grieve.
I don't like talking to people right now, but it is something that I need. I want to just run away from here and from people but that won't solve any problems.
Bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who Rejoice; Mourn with those who Mourn. Live in Harmony with one another."
-Romans 12
Monday, June 6, 2011
"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." -John 16:33
See whenever someone dies, I feel its like everyone who has previously died has died again.
I was doing well the first two weeks, but I'm not so well anymore.
I was keeping myself busy. I was making dinners and doing homework that wasn't due and I changed oil in a car, which is something I'd never otherwise do. Most of the time, I don't know what day it is, I don't understand what time it is, my sleeping habits are ruined. I hit the wall hard.
This is my accomplishment for the week.
I'm sure that you have all experienced a loss before. Maybe not of a parent but maybe a grandparent, great aunt, family friend, something. Remember how hard that loss was for you and your family, how hard it was for your parents. Do you remember how much easier it was with your best friends there with you, to help you out through those times? They made you consider smiling, or they were just there and it provided comfort.
My best friends died in a car a year and a half ago. And right now, I'm wishing I died with them. It's not that I don't have friends now, I just don't have the best friends like before.
I wish my best friends were here. I wish my mom was here. I wish my life wasn't like this.
I would have played a different song for the funeral, except I didn't have much time to prepare and I didn't want to sing. I had to do something and I had started playing that version of the song the week before so I figured it was good enough.
If you have ever lost a parent, whether through death or some other horrible series of events, you probably have some idea how sorry I am for you. For those of you who have two parents and a functional family, you have no idea how jealous I am of you.
It's a different feeling. When you lose best friends you can remember times before they were there. When you lose a grandparent you can remember when you had gone weeks and months without seeing them, so you know that it will be alright. Your mother has always been there. I hadn't gone three days without talking to my mom before now. It's a numbing experience. Everyone's eyes are tired and empty, sad and heavy. Every movement is slow and necessary, no energy is wasted because mourning uses it all up. This is harder than anything else, harder than losing three people at once. It's hard to see my brother and father like this.
The receiving visitation line was short, my father, Paul, Michelle, me, my Oma. The condolence giving visitation line was long, waits two hours long; my mother was loved.
See the Bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out
When you look into the small wooden box and see the frail sad body of what was once a beautiful strong lady, when you see the peace on her face instead of the hidden pain, you know that when the lid closes, you won't ever see her again.
I feel a strong pull to get away from here. As far away as possible. To a place without reminders of what I left behind. I am sure that I would miss my dad and Paul and my entire family. But they could come and visit. And if I go to Australia I wouldn't have to be their until either November or February depending whether or not I decide to start during the summer session or not. I want to stay with my family but I can't be here anymore.
Everybody Hurts
You're Not Alone
This isn't easy. When Hannah and Evan and Josh died, I was in the hospital dying from internal bleeding and having operations on my knee. I was drugged up for most of the tough times, except the funerals. This time feels different. This time my family is more directly affected. People from school told me it was a humbling experience seeing three men stand side by side and cry during a funeral. Had Paul or my dad not started to cry there would have been a much less chance of me crying as well. I have only cried twice since she passed away, at the funeral and when we buried her.
At the funeral the family walked in after everyone else was seated and the first two pews were reserved for us as it often times happens at funerals. I followed Paul and Michelle to the front of the church, through the crowded overflow section, into the packed sanctuary and all the way to the front, past our mother to our seats. The walk seemed long.
I was at the front on the right, my brother was front left, my dad back right and my uncle back left. We carried her out of the church.
May Angels Lead You In.
I went to school yesterday. My teacher sent me home. My guidance councilor called and asked to talk to me when I was ready about school. I was there the next day at 9, right when school starts. He told me not to go to anymore classes, not to take the exams, to finish my summative projects if I wanted. I had pretty much already finished my Performing Arts summative anyway so I will probably finish it. I don't think I'll finish any other ones though.
We have a lot of plants. If you ever want some plants for inside your house or plants for in your garden, just ask, we have plenty. My dad likes the plants though, more than flowers because the plants can live for years.
People have told me that they don't know what to say. They haven't all experienced a close death, even when people have they still don't know what to say, I wouldn't know what to say. For those of you who didn't know what to say but said something anyways, thank you. I hated it at the time, but I'm sure I will grow to be grateful for all the messages.
For those of you who didn't say something but thought about me and my family or prayed for me, thank you as well, it was all really appreciated and it was good to know that were thought of.
Jack Astor's called and let me know that I didn't have to start work again until August but if I wanted to start sooner I'd just have to call. That place is great.
There's a Peace I've Come To Know
though my heart and flesh may fail
there's an anchor for my soul
I can say It Is Well.
I still have the earrings that I was planning on giving to Hannah for Christmas, I had bought them the night before. They are too expensive to just throw away. I don't know how this thought fits with this post.
I know I already complained about how this years Mothers' Day was horrible, but I was correct, next years will be even worse. She died on May 9th. I had posted something new on Mothers' Day, and not an hour later we were at the hospital to say our goodbyes. Nobody had left her side for over 24 hours. Someone was always with her when she was awake and when she was asleep. Paul was napping in his car at the time, I was getting coffee and my dad was with her. He had to go to the bathroom really badly. He had only excused himself for a minute. It was quick, peaceful, she wasn't in pain, she had her family with her up until the last minute. She was awake and conscience at the very end. The coffees weren't good.
We all knew this one was coming, we were just hoping that it wouldn't happen so fast.
It isn't supposed to happen this way you know. Your child is supposed to move out and go away to college or something first, and then gain independence slowly, be able to call and ask how to do laundry and what I am supposed to do with my striped shirts. She was supposed to be at my graduation, and my wedding and every other important event. She was supposed to be in thousands more pictures with me.
Life was going to get better, it wasn't going to be 5 in 500.
I was supposed to be valedictorian, I don't know if I'm still doing it. It doesn't seem right.
I have written a lot over the past while. Most of it didn't make sense. Even less sense than this did. I added something new over every couple days, which is why it may not seem to flow. I wasn't going for anything special.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’ ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’
Will asked me to post something letting you guys know about this, and to tell you that he might be back in a while.
The last enemy to be destroyed is death
1 Corinthians 15:26
On Monday, the 9th of May, 2011, Phillip William Hagendoerm lost his mother 529 days after the death of his three best friends.
Your thoughts, prayers, and condolences have been appreciated.
Sincerely,
Paul Hagendoerm and Family
For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’
‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Dear Mom,
Happy Mother's Day.
The world is not right when you're only allowed to visit your mother during certain hours on the day that was made for her.
Next years Mother's Day will be so much different than this one. I can tell already.
This song has brought me so much peace today. I've just been listening to it nonstop on repeat. The high of yesterday's happiness has worn off. The doctors said that it was good for my mom to have spent the day at home, that was before she got really sick tonight though.
I was told today that it is unlikely she will get better.
And it's not just a game
You can't throw me away
I put all I had on the line
And I give and you take
And I played the high stakes
I've won and I've lost
But, I'm fine
Hear me say I'll rise up 'til the end
Hear me say I'll stand up for my friends
And I crash to the ground
And it's just my own sound
I drop in the blink of an eye
I'm colorblind
And your milky way fight
Won't stop my delight
You kick me and lock me away
And it's dark and it's bright
It's your colorful pride that kept me here 9000 days
Hear me say I'll see the sky again
Hear me say I'll die for you my friend
There's a noise in the crowd
But it's just my own shout
I'll stumble I'll fall and I pray
I Hear you say your eyes see green again
In the end we'll lift our golden hands
Yes, we'll spark you and I
We'll be colorblind
And these are the lives we gave
Hear me say I'll rise up 'til the end
Hear me say that I'll stand beside my friends
I won't stay on the floor
I will settle the score
I'll stumble I'll fall and I pray
Hear me say it's time we stop our hate
Eye to eye we see a different fate
Yes we we've conquered the war
With love at the core
I'll stumble I'll fall, but I'll stay
Colorblind.
I'm not actually cold blooded, but cold emotioned. Not in the way you might think it is. See, a little science lesson for you, cold blooded animals need to go to warm places to heat up their blood and go to cool places to cool off their blood, they can't control their temperature themselves.
I'm like that but with my emotion. Some people I know are happy all the time. Some are also angry all the time. Not me, my mood fluctuates like crazy.
My mom had a day pass from the hospital today. Which is a good sign. Sure it's only one day, but it's something, so I skipped school today, my dad and Paul and Michelle skipped work too. And the five of us hung out, as a family. There was some laughing, some bonding, some good times in general.
My mom was obsessed with the Royal Wedding, but because it started at like 1am and went till like 4 or something, my mom wasn't allowed to watch it in the hospital. So we taped it for her. None of us watched any of it, we turned off the TV when recaps came one and we didn't touch the newspaper. So it was like we were all watching it for the first time with her. Now, usually I really would not give a damn about the royal wedding but I took an interest for my mom. We made fun of the uglies and awed at the pretty ones. We saw that kiss everyone had been talking about. And it was just a good time considering I was watching a wedding.
Then we played scrabble. And I won, pretty much only because my mom was off her game that day, considering.
The day was great, Oh and we sang. And Paul had his guitar with him, and we had just gotten a new piano in the parlor so I got to play it and it was still perfectly tuned and it sounds way better than the one in the sitting room.
We were like a functional family. There was no sadness, no fear of death, just a family like they should be.
At the end of the night, my mom was done, she was so tired but so happy.
We drove her back to the hospital and entered reality again. I haven't smiled so much all year.
Three dumbest questions
1. "How're you doing?"
2. "Are you alright?"
3. "What's the matter?"
I think that I have already ranted about dumb questions.
They just never stop.
In case you were wondering.
1. Awful.
2. NO.
3. My mother has cancer. What do you think the matter is?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.” - Emily Dickinson
Once, about twelve years ago, there was a six year old boy. He was missing what appeared to be at least half of his teeth and he was very proud of that fact, he gladly showed anyone who asked and everyone who didn't. He had big blue eyes and already by that time he realized that if he made his eyes well up and looked at his mom she would let him do a lot of things.
He didn't want to be afraid of anything and he would never admit to it, but it was obvious that the dog across the street was feared by the boy. Sometimes he would go up and try to pet the dog because he didn't want people to actually know that he was afraid. But every time he went up to the dog to pet it his hands would shake and his shoulders would tense up. The boys eyes would bulge as he admired the dogs huge tongue and sharp shark-like teeth. He didn't want to pet the dog but he did just to prove to everyone that he had no fear.
Me and that six year old boy are very similar believe it or not, in fact, that six year old boy was me. And I have not changed much. My biggest fear is still appearing to be afraid. I hide my fear to people. People ask me how my mom is doing, how my knee is doing and how I am doing. I want to tell them that I am afraid that she won't get better this time, that I'm afraid that I will always be conscience of my knee, and that it won't be strong enough to let me play soccer or volleyball again let alone strong enough to be able hold me up after standing for forty-five minutes. I want to tell people that I am afraid that I won't ever heal from the car accident, and that it will always be the scene of my dreams.
In ways though, I fear more what people will think of me, what people will say behind my back if I tell them that I am afraid of those things. I am afraid of the criticism, that people might not understand, that they might think that the accident was forever ago so I should just get over it.
I'm afraid that people might sympathize and feel sorry for me and change the way they see me. I'm afraid that they will let things slide with me, not be as hard on me as I want them to be because they feel bad for me.
I am afraid that people won't understand what I went through and that when I try to explain it to them that they will just look dazed and confused because they couldn't follow my thoughts or they couldn't understand what was happening to me.
Most of all though, I am afraid that people will, without even realizing it, make me ashamed of my fears.
Lord, we lift up your name
With hearts full of praise.
Be exalted, O Lord, my God!
Hosanna in the highest!
But they shouted all the louder, “Crucify him!”
Great is your faithfulness Oh God
Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
In the same way the rebels who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.
From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli,lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).
Were heaven's praises silent in those hours of darkness?
Your Holy Spirit brooding round that empty throne?
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.
The whole earth shakes The whole earth shakes.
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the Grave he arose he arose
"He Is Not Dead! Behold He Lives Forevermore!"
Jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
HE IS RISEN FROM THE DEAD
I went to visit my mom in the hospital today. She tired out quickly but I told my dad that I wouldn't be home for at least another hour. Sometimes it's best that we aren't in the same house, no matter how big it is. So I had time to waste. Wandering around hospitals is not easy. A lot of doors are locked and some floors have restricted access. I'm not sure how, but I did pass Emergency, Intensive Care, NICU, Oncology, etc. And I found myself where the newborn babies are. It isn't like the movies where the hospital is like a zoo for babies and you can peer through the glass window into the incubator room where they keep the babies in individual fish tanks. I only found myself in the waiting room. Families were there. Waiting anxiously for the newest member to join them. Some families were chatting in chipper voices, others looked much more nervous. I thought about the child that was being born as I was waiting there. What was each one of these children entering? Probably not all of them would be entering a happy family. And each one of those children would experience pain. Maybe one of the kids were born to a family only later to be taken away to be sent around from foster home to foster home. Maybe some of these children will find themselves without a father figure because he couldn't handle the added stress of an infant. Maybe, like me, one of those children will find themselves back in the hospital much to often, to say goodbye to friends, family, to visit with their mother, or to get better themselves. The children were born to the world today, now susceptible to the pains. They have no idea what is happening and already they could be suffering. That child that was born does not deserve to have to come back here in seven years to receive radiation therapy. A child that was born in that hospital today does not deserve to have to hear their parents fight every night, or watch their mother suffer abuse from their father. I realize that it is possible that these children may not experience hardship early in life, not as children. They may not experience a funeral until they have graduated highschool, They might have parents who love them and grandparents who spoil them. Their lives could be great and they could be happy. But at some point, every child born in that hospital today is going to see things and at times they will hate the world. They will hate that they were brought into this mess. But one of the children born in that building today will make a difference in the world. Maybe small or large, to better the world or hinder it. They will take their experiences and change the world, it will be different because they were born today.
My mother is doing fine, if you were wondering. She will probably come home next week. Something is wrong with her, we just aren't 100% sure what it is yet.
