“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.” - Emily Dickinson

I Am Afraid...

Once, about twelve years ago, there was a six year old boy.  He was missing what appeared to be at least half of his teeth and he was very proud of that fact, he gladly showed anyone who asked and everyone who didn't.  He had big blue eyes and already by that time he realized that if he made his eyes well up and looked at his mom she would let him do a lot of things.

He didn't want to be afraid of anything and he would never admit to it, but it was obvious that the dog across the street was feared by the boy. Sometimes he would go up and try to pet the dog because he didn't want people to actually know that he was afraid.  But every time he went up to the dog to pet it his hands would shake and his shoulders would tense up.  The boys eyes would bulge as he admired the dogs huge tongue and sharp shark-like teeth. He didn't want to pet the dog but he did just to prove to everyone that he had no fear.

Me and that six year old boy are very similar believe it or not,  in fact, that six year old boy was me.  And I have not changed much.  My biggest fear is still appearing to be afraid.  I hide my fear to people.  People ask me how my mom is doing, how my knee is doing and how I am doing.  I want to tell them that I am afraid that she won't get better this time, that I'm afraid that I will always be conscience of my knee, and that it won't be strong enough to let me play soccer or volleyball again let alone strong enough to be able hold me up after standing for forty-five minutes.  I want to tell people that I am afraid that I won't ever heal from the car accident, and that it will always be the scene of my dreams.

In ways though, I fear more what people will think of me, what people will say behind my back if I tell them that I am afraid of those things.  I am afraid of the criticism, that people might not understand, that they might think that the accident was forever ago so I should just get over it.

I'm afraid that people might sympathize and feel sorry for me and change the way they see me. I'm afraid that they will let things slide with me, not be as hard on me as I want them to be because they feel bad for me.

I am afraid that people won't understand what I went through and that when I try to explain it to them that they will just look dazed and confused because they couldn't follow my thoughts or they couldn't understand what was happening to me.

Most of all though, I am afraid that people will, without even realizing it, make me ashamed of my fears. 

Glory In The Highest

THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE JEWS.

The humble King who never wore an earthly crown.

Lord, we lift up your name
With hearts full of praise.
Be exalted, O Lord, my God!
Hosanna in the highest! 

But they shouted all the louder, “Crucify him!”

Great is your faithfulness Oh God

Behold the man upon the cross

My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

In the same way the rebels who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli,lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).

Were heaven's praises silent in those hours of darkness?

Your Holy Spirit brooding round that empty throne?

And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes.

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the Grave he arose he arose

"He Is Not Dead! Behold He Lives Forevermore!"

Jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
HE IS RISEN FROM THE DEAD

Hosanna Hosanna
Hosanna in the Highest.

Baby Boom

I went to visit my mom in the hospital today.  She tired out quickly but I told my dad that I wouldn't be home for at least another hour.  Sometimes it's best that we aren't in the same house, no matter how big it is. 
So I had time to waste.  Wandering around hospitals is not easy.  A lot of doors are locked and some floors have restricted access.  I'm not sure how, but I did pass Emergency, Intensive Care, NICU, Oncology, etc.  And I found myself where the newborn babies are.  It isn't like the movies where the hospital is like a zoo for babies and you can peer through the glass window into the incubator room where they keep the babies in individual fish tanks.  I only found myself in the waiting room.  Families were there.  Waiting anxiously for the newest member to join them. Some families were chatting in chipper voices, others looked much more nervous.  I thought about the child that was being born as I was waiting there. 
What was each one of these children entering?  Probably not all of them would be entering a happy family.  And each one of those children would experience pain.  Maybe one of the kids were born to a family only later to be taken away to be sent around from foster home to foster home.  Maybe some of these children will find themselves without a father figure because he couldn't handle the added stress of an infant. Maybe, like me, one of those children will find themselves back in the hospital much to often, to say goodbye to friends, family, to visit with their mother, or to get better themselves.  
The children were born to the world today, now susceptible to the pains.  They have no idea what is happening and already they could be suffering.  That child that was born does not deserve to have to come back here in seven years to receive radiation therapy.  A child that was born in that hospital today does not deserve to have to hear their parents fight every night, or watch their mother suffer abuse from their father.  
I realize that it is possible that these children may not experience hardship early in life, not as children.  They may not experience a funeral until they have graduated highschool, They might have parents who love them and grandparents who spoil them.  Their lives could be great and they could be happy.
But at some point, every child born in that hospital today is going to see things and at times they will hate the world.  They will hate that they were brought into this mess. 
But one of the children born in that building today will make a difference in the world. Maybe small or large, to better the world or hinder it.  They will take their experiences and change the world, it will be different because they were born today.


My mother is doing fine, if you were wondering. She will probably come home next week.  Something is wrong with her, we just aren't 100% sure what it is yet.

My Lifes Confessions

What do you want to know about me?

Everything that I did wrong?

or everything that I did right?

To be honest the second list would be much shorter.

I'm not even that good of a person.

I haven't changed the world for the better.

I haven't even changed somebody's life for the better.

I haven't saved a life.

I have done nothing.

I don't inspire people to greatness.

I don't have talent

I'm useless.

And I don't deserve this life.

Others are destined for greatness

Some people deserve more than they have

They deserve their life.

They would have used it for good.

Not wasted it laying around in bed.

I stole something once.

I was eight.

It was a chocolate bar.

It tasted gross.

I don't eat Oh Henry's anymore.

I cheated on tests.

Teachers gave me extensions on assignments because I played the sympathy card.

I told my mom I hated her the day she was told she was going to die.

I told her I hated her because she was going to die

I told her that I hated because I hated that the cancer entered her body.

She felt awful.

I felt even worse.

The Good Die Yong

When it is wet outside I don't feel happy.

And it makes my knee hurt more.

It makes me feel like an 80 year old man with his creaky knee every time it rains

Blame

Two thoughts today folks

There is something that I really have to say.  It embarrasses me because it is so horrible.  You had been a best friend.  Before you died, and before you killed Hannah and Evan.  I don't want to, but for some reason I blame you. You invited us to Your cottage. You were the one driving Your van, and You were the one who fell asleep at the wheel.  It is because you fell asleep that Hannah and Evan are dead.  It's your fault that Mike switched schools.  It is your fault my knee was ruined. And it is your fault that you are dead.  And I am putting this so bluntly but I just need to acknowledge the thought, because now it might go away. 

It's not fair, the three of you are sitting in heaven together laughing at jokes and visiting Jesus.  I am here, me and family visiting my sickly mother.  I was lucky to still be alive. Perspective.

I miss everyone who was close to me who has died.  I miss them so much it hurts and makes me angry and aggravated.  But you don't hurt in heaven, you aren't angry or aggravated.  So, do they even miss me back.  Or do they get to be perfectly happy in their new perfect world?