I Fricken Loved You

To one Miss Hannah Elizabeth van Den Dool,

What else can I really say to you, I fricken loved you. And I know that I always will. What happened to us was straight out of a sappy movie that girls cry in and guys are bored to tears in.  Only it actually happened.  I didn't keep saying 'I love you' so that I would know for sure that the last thing you heard was my proclamation of love for you.  I wish I had.  I didn't overcome my pain and stand over you and kiss your dying lips, though I wish I had.  But our hands were intertwined as yours grew limp, I refused to let it go, I refused to let it grow cold. Because every notch in our hand fitted perfectly,  your thumb was on my callous, hopefully reminding you of my never ending guitar strumming songs I sang for you.

We were THE couple.  People told us that we were getting married.  We weren't the kind of couple that would sit in a lonely hallway and make out, We did have some Public Display of Affection, but it wasn't what some people would call it.  You would touch my callous finger while we held hands, you would push me away as we walked together and I always had to smile.  You would ask me to get you things and though I'd say no, I'd be standing up seconds later to get it for you. And you'd smile at me. And I would have to smile back. We weren't always seen together, but I was always wondering to myself what you were doing.  We'd watch a movie and you'd put your head on my chest and hear my heart beat, smell my cologne.  I'd kiss your head gently and smell your soft hair. Purposefully I would forget to shave some mornings because you liked the stubble on my chin, no matter how much it irritated me. And most of all, You would say my name, William.

You would say to me that you only dated me because you knew that we could have blonde hair and blue eyed children, but those wouldn't come until after university was finished. And I'd just laugh.

What were the last words you heard me say to you?  As I look back on the day, I can't remember.  It keeps me up at night wondering. 

I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I do.  I love you, I should have covered you with myself, I should have saved you. I should have died. Because I love you, I will never stop blaming myself.  

so I draw you, I hope you like it Hannah, because I Fricken Love You.