Hurt

I swear that now my knee is hurting worse as we approach this year anniversary, it hurts all the time.  One week two days.  It might only be a week and one day by the time I post this. Depends on how long I take. 
It's natural that I am having a hard time with this right?  Just tell me that it's normal that I have to walk out of class because I don't want everyone to see me crying.  I mean, I was there!  I watched my friends die.  For every second I feel pain in my knee, ten is remembering them.  I can't stand still with my thoughts, but I can't walk with my knee. 
I can't concentrate on anything anymore.  Every waking moment a thought about what could be happening now.  What was happening this time last year.  A thought about the crash. The funerals. The hospital. The tears. The frustration. The rage. The pain.
There is a point of desperation that some people feel, when they so badly want to escape the emotional pain that they are feeling so they try and distract themselves from it.  But the only thing that they can find is more pain.  
There is a point of desperation that some people feel, when they so badly want to escape the emotional pain and they realize that distractions can only last for a while, the only option that they see is to remove themselves from the pain.  To remove themselves from this world.           
I have yet to reach this desperation.  I never tried to inflict more pain upon myself because I felt immense amounts of it already.  The physical pain never blotted out the grief i felt.  The ability to feel just expanded one-hundred fold after the crash.  Somehow my head made room for both pains, one never softened the other, if anything they encouraged one another. Maybe it's because they both happened at the same time, maybe if I had inflicted pain later it could have done some distracting. 
Maybe some other drugs could have helped remove some of the emotional pain like the medication took away some of the physical.  
Maybe if I had killed myself I would be in peace.  I wouldn't be going through this hell on earth.  I had said before that I would have gladly died in the place of them.
But had I started cutting myself, the amount of pain I could feel would probably just have increased again.  Drugs would have probably just clouded my head and not clear it. Hannah never approved of drugs anyway.  Neither did I, to be clear.  She wouldn't have wasted the life if she had been given the opportunity, so neither will I.
I said that I would have died for them. I won't die for myself though.  I am not dead and there must be some reason for that. There must be a reason why I was spared when I wish I wasn't.  Giving up my life because I saw so many others had theirs taken away doesn't make sense.  I know that I am lucky to be alive, even though it's not what I want, it is better than being dead. And if I remember that, I should be just fine.  
Not fine. But alive.  I haven't forgotten it yet, so I should be alright.