529 days

I would have played a different song for the funeral, except I didn't have much time to prepare and I didn't want to sing.  I had to do something and I had started playing that version of the song the week before so I figured it was good enough.

If you have ever lost a parent, whether through death or some other horrible series of events, you probably have some idea how sorry I am for you.  For those of you who have two parents and a functional family, you have no idea how jealous I am of you.

It's a different feeling.  When you lose best friends you can remember times before they were there.  When you lose a grandparent you can remember when you had gone weeks and months without seeing them, so you know that it will be alright. Your mother has always been there.  I hadn't gone three days without talking to my mom before now.  It's a numbing experience.  Everyone's eyes are tired and empty, sad and heavy.  Every movement is slow and necessary, no energy is wasted because mourning uses it all up.  This is harder than anything else, harder than losing three people at once.  It's hard to see my brother and father like this.

The receiving visitation line was short, my father, Paul, Michelle, me, my Oma.  The condolence giving visitation line was long, waits two hours long; my mother was loved.

See the Bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

When you look into the small wooden box and see the frail sad body of what was once a beautiful strong lady, when you see the peace on her face instead of the hidden pain, you know that when the lid closes, you won't ever see her again.

I feel a strong pull to get away from here. As far away as possible. To a place without reminders of what I left behind.  I am sure that I would miss my dad and Paul and my entire family.  But they could come and visit.  And if I go to Australia I wouldn't have to be their until either November or February depending whether or not I decide to start during the summer session or not.  I want to stay with my family but I can't be here anymore.

 Everybody Hurts
You're Not Alone

This isn't easy.  When Hannah and Evan and Josh died, I was in the hospital dying from internal bleeding and having operations on my knee.  I was drugged up for most of the tough times, except the funerals.  This time feels different. This time my family is more directly affected.  People from school told me it was a humbling experience seeing three men stand side by side and cry during a funeral.  Had Paul or my dad not started to cry there would have been a much less chance of me crying as well.  I have only cried twice since she passed away, at the funeral and when we buried her.

  

At the funeral the family walked in after everyone else was seated and the first two pews were reserved for us as it often times happens at funerals.  I followed Paul and Michelle to the front of the church, through the crowded overflow section, into the packed sanctuary and all the way to the front, past our mother to our seats. The walk seemed long.

I was at the front on the right, my brother was front left, my dad back right and my uncle back left.  We carried her out of the church.  

May Angels Lead You In.

I went to school yesterday.  My teacher sent me home. My guidance councilor called and asked to talk to me when I was ready about school.  I was there the next day at 9, right when school starts.  He told me not to go to anymore classes, not to take the exams, to finish my summative projects if I wanted.  I had pretty much already finished my Performing Arts summative anyway so I will probably finish it.  I don't think I'll finish any other ones though.

We have a lot of plants.  If you ever want some plants for inside your house or plants for in your garden, just ask, we have plenty.  My dad likes the plants though, more than flowers because the plants can live for years.

People have told me that they don't know what to say.  They haven't all experienced a close death, even when people have they still don't know what to say, I wouldn't know what to say.  For those of you who didn't know what to say but said something anyways, thank you.  I hated it at the time, but I'm sure I will grow to be grateful for all the messages. 
For those of you who didn't say something but thought about me and my family or prayed for me, thank you as well, it was all really appreciated and it was good to know that were thought of.

Jack Astor's called and let me know that I didn't have to start work again until August but if I wanted to start sooner I'd just have to call. That place is great.

There's a Peace I've Come To Know
though my heart and flesh may fail
there's an anchor for my soul
I can say It Is Well.

I still have the earrings that I was planning on giving to Hannah for Christmas, I had bought them the night before.  They are too expensive to just throw away.  I don't know how this thought fits with this post.

I know I already complained about how this years Mothers' Day was horrible, but I was correct, next years will be even worse.  She died on May 9th.  I had posted something new on Mothers' Day, and not an hour later we were at the hospital to say our goodbyes.  Nobody had left her side for over 24 hours.  Someone was always with her when she was awake and when she was asleep.  Paul was napping in his car at the time, I was getting coffee and my dad was with her.  He had to go to the bathroom really badly.  He had only excused himself for a minute.  It was quick, peaceful, she wasn't in pain, she had her family with her up until the last minute.  She was awake and conscience at the very end.  The coffees weren't good. 


We all knew this one was coming, we were just hoping that it wouldn't happen so fast.

It isn't supposed to happen this way you know.  Your child is supposed to move out and go away to college or something first, and then gain independence slowly, be able to call and ask how to do laundry and what I am supposed to do with my striped shirts.    She was supposed to be at my graduation, and my wedding and every other important event.  She was supposed to be in thousands more pictures with me.  

Life was going to get better, it wasn't going to be 5 in 500.  

I was supposed to be valedictorian, I don't know if I'm still doing it.  It doesn't seem right.

I have written a lot over the past while.  Most of it didn't make sense.  Even less sense than this did.  I added something new over every couple days, which is why it may not seem to flow.  I wasn't going for anything special. 

For the Lamb at the center of the throne
   will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’
   ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’

May You Rest In Peace




05.09.2011.


May They Rest In Peace


01.07.2011.
11.26.2009.
11.26.2009
11.26.2009