All Paul

If you ever end up reading this, it'll just boost your ego, you don't need that.

But honestly, you are an awesome brother.  Being five years older than me, the things that you were doing always seemed to be so adventurous and really cool.  And even though it was our obligation as brothers to hate each other, we hated each other while still being friends.  I never even realized how much I looked up to you, especially when I was younger.

We were sort of like that vanilla rice krispies commercial, when the little brother wouldn't eat his cereal and his mom was getting frustrated.  Then his older brother showed up and he seemed so cool.  His older brother started eating the cereal and he realized that he wanted to eat the cereal too because his brother was. Because that is what cool, older kids did.

I was like that little kid, I wanted to follow Paul and his friends around but my mom would never let me because she claimed that I would just bother them.  I wanted to go to school with Paul and look in his class room and see the pet hamster, Snowball.  He would always get home from school and start playing soccer by himself and when I asked if I could play too, he would tell me that I wasn't good enough.  So my parents let me go play in a league and I played so that I could get better and play soccer with Paul. 

As we got older, he was 11 and I was 6.  I heard him playing the guitar and I wanted to play an instrument too.  So my parents got me a violin.

When Paul stopped liking TV shows like Arthur, I pretended too as well, just to be like Paul.  He didn't like tuna sandwiches so neither did I.

As we got older, Paul was allowed to start staying up later and watching movies that I wasn't and I got jealous of him. I would have done anything to be as old as Paul, to be one of Paul's friends because to me, he was the coolest kid ever (he was pretty cool still, not quite the coolest ever but still he had friends.)

You weren't ever a huge jerk to me and during the summer when we were home alone, you made it so much fun.  You let me start playing soccer with you and we played volleyball.  We went on bike ride adventures and you would get us ice cream.  I was always able to count on you to make me laugh so hard that milk would come out of my nose during dinner.  You probably waited for me to take a drink before you told a joke every time.

You started high school and your social life increased and you started to date and it seemed like you forgot about me.  Once and a while you would make me laugh so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants or you and I would go somewhere together, but those times became less and less often.

Then you got your license and, for a little while it seemed like you had forgotten about me completely until the summer, you were 17. I was 12.  You and I went camping. All of my friends thought it was so cool that it was just you and me, without mom and dad and I was so proud to say that my brother and I went camping, all alone.  My brother knew how to put up the tent and how to start a fire. 

You started university as I started high school and you moved out.  The house seemed so quite without you.  No music blaring from your bedroom or shrieks of laughter from you and your friends in the basement.  You came back home for the holidays and we hung out nearly the whole time. 

And then there was last year.  We went to California and we had parties in our room every night.  Well, I had a slightly different party the last night without you.  Thanks for switching rooms...

And we had managed to have fun and I managed to pin you down once.  

And unlike everything else in my life, nothing has changed with you and I.  Sometimes we might have a discussion that is deeper than it would have been but even when I was in the hospital you would come and visit everyday and you would sneak food in for me and we had the typical wheelchair race down the hallway and you made me consider smiling.  And seeing you brought a stop to the tearful visits, to the visits that were like how is your knee, how are you. Now how ARE you, how are YOU, HOW are you? and we could just try to leave the world behind for an hour and be brothers.  

It might sound really cliche, but we had brotherly love and you always had my back and you just really are a cool stand up guy.

If you don't say it when you think it, you might never get the chance.

I love you man.  

To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other's hearts.  We share private family jokes.  We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time.  ~Clara Ortega