Now I see,
If I wear a mask,
I can fool the world,
but I cannot fool my heart.
Who is that [man] I see?
Staring straight,
Back at me.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free
to fly
That burns with a need to know
the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside.
If I wear a mask,
I can fool the world,
but I cannot fool my heart.
Who is that [man] I see?
Staring straight,
Back at me.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free
to fly
That burns with a need to know
the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside.
Mulan is quite the inspirational movie.
I torment myself with one simple question. Why? I am like a two year old that way. I try not to ask it to myself but I always want to know. The past two days I have been asking myself, Why. Why did I punch that mirror? And, from what I can remember, it is the first time that I have actually been able to come up with a plausible answer. Why did I punch the mirror?
In order to answer the question properly, I need to address a different problem first. What was I doing staring into the mirror? What was I looking for? Yesterday, when I was looking in my bathroom mirror, I was looking for emotion. I wanted to see something in my eyes, my mouth, the way I presented myself. All that I saw was a reflection, barely passing as me. My face looked like it was carved out of stone, and no, not because of my chiseled features, but because the expression on my face wasn't really an expression at all, it was blank, it was lifeless and it was hard, like a stone.
In order to answer the question properly, I need to address a different problem first. What was I doing staring into the mirror? What was I looking for? Yesterday, when I was looking in my bathroom mirror, I was looking for emotion. I wanted to see something in my eyes, my mouth, the way I presented myself. All that I saw was a reflection, barely passing as me. My face looked like it was carved out of stone, and no, not because of my chiseled features, but because the expression on my face wasn't really an expression at all, it was blank, it was lifeless and it was hard, like a stone.
No emotion could penetrate the hard stone surface that has developed over my real face. No true emotion. The one thing that I could do was smile. It sort of made me sick when I found myself being able to fake different kinds of smiles, with just a quick flash of my teeth I could easily look any thing from innocent to even intimidating. That face in the mirror, that was polar opposite to what I was feeling inside is what made me feel even more, angry and disgusted and useless. None of those feelings broke through the mask I was wearing, my face returned to it blank state and I hated myself perfecting the art of removing visible emotion. I hated what I saw so I punched the mirror. I succumbed to my anger. I hated myself.
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