therapeutic reasons

Sometimes I lie on my floor and hope that you will turn up on my doorstep.

December  6, 2010

Dear Hannah,
Everyday, I still miss you.  Everyday, I wish that I could still be with you. 
I don't know what to say to you really because you are so far gone. At the same time though, I have so many things that I want to say.  Sometimes I wonder if you can just see inside my heart and head and know what I want to say to you.  I hope you can because then you would really know how much I love you.  I didn't say it enough when you were still here.  I love you.  I hope that you can see that every second is spent thinking of you.  My mom bought your family an early Christmas present, she said it was for Sinterklaas (Dutch Christmas for those of you who aren't Dutch).  I dropped it off for her yesterday.  Your house still smells the same.  Like cinnamon and firewood.  Your mom answered the door and your dad was sitting in his chair in the living room.  Your brothers have quieted down a lot, you would have been happy about that.  When your mom opened the door, three emotions mingled together and formed her facial expression.  It was a mix of surprise, happiness and deep sorrow.  I stared somberly and appeared to be nothing more than an empty shell freezing in the wind.  She took a moment to understand what was happening.  To be honest, I haven't seen your family in months.  Your dad's hair is longer.  She welcomed me inside as she stepped back off the threshold to your house and I hesitated to walk in.  I did though.
Immediately memories came bursting into my mind breaking down the brick wall I carefully constructed.  I stepped inside your house and I saw the staircase leading up to your room, I remember how often I would wait in the front for you to come down the stairs.  You still have pictures up along the staircase.  The pictures of you haven't changed.  Your brothers and your parents have new pictures.  The old family picture was still up, though beside it was a more recent one, without you.
I don't know why you would want to hear this or why I am even telling you.  I used to tell you everything. And you would tell me just as much.  That is what I miss the most.  Sure I miss seeing you and I miss holding your hand. Hell, I miss kissing you, I miss our dates and I miss sharing our lunch with each other but, I miss the way we could talk.  I miss how I shared my life with someone.  I miss hearing about what is happening to you. I miss how you would listen and just let me talk. You wouldn't interrupt me, and you knew when not to try and give me advice. People don't realize that I just need to complain every now and then and I don't want an answer.
I miss being happy and smiling with you instead of me crying alone writing this out without you.

Sometimes I visit where we buried you and lie down next to where you are and I wonder what you are doing. And if you miss me as much as I miss you.