So This Is Christmas

And while they were there, the time came for her delivery. And she gave birth to her Son, her Firstborn; and she wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room or place for them in the inn. Luke 2:6,7

Today is Christmas. And by the time I am done with this and post it, it will just be December 26, not of any real importance, except for the huge boxing day sales.  But that doesn't really matter. 

It has been another Christmas Season come and gone, one that I think, most would classify as 'successful'.  Even though I told my parents not to get me any presents and even though the list they forced me to make was horribly bare, they still managed to find things that they knew I would love. 

I loved going Christmas shopping because knowing that I would be able to see peoples reactions to the presents is amazing.  And I think that I appreciate it even more now because I know that a few of the presents I got this year lit up my face.  To be honest, anything that makes someone in this house smile is a miracle.  And if four miracles cost a few hundred dollars that I had saved. Then so be it.  Also, I am a sucker for happy people and buying people things is fun.  

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.-Isaiah 9:6

On Christmas Eve, my mom's family came over and on New Year's Eve, my dad's family will come over and celebrate Christmas.  My grandparents were over for a while today though.  I sort of like my grandparents.  And even though they are old and repeat the same stories over and over, there is something about them.  They just love there children and grandchildren without reserve.  And it shows.  Not in the gifts they get me but in the interest they show.  When they ask me to play the piano and sing to them at Christmas, I really can't say no to them.  Because it makes them smile and they are old and I know how precious life is. 

 Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. -Isaiah 7:14

As we were all sitting in the piano room, I was singing for my family, Paul ran to get door.  I thought nothing of it, even though I should have because nobody shows up randomly on Christmas, that is just weird.  As O Holy Night was finishing up, Paul walked back into the room, with a few guests.  I don't remember if I finished the song or not because standing in the room in front of me stood the entire van Den Dool family.  Not just Hannah's parents and brothers, but both her grandmothers, a few aunts and an uncle, a couple of cousins even pushed their way through the doorway. 

"You have guests, Will."  No shit, thanks Paul.  I guess he was trying to cover the silence. 

"...Christmas." I said to them.  Adding merry seemed, impossible at the moment.  "Mrs van Den Dool, Nick, wanna join me in singing a song?"  I really had no idea what to do.  I don't do well with surprises that make the atmosphere awkward. 

"No, no. We were just coming back from...St. Peters and thought we'd drop by considering it was on the way."  I live a half hour out of the way from the cemetery.  But the excuse was a good attempt.  I felt a little knot in my stomach tighten.  I was there a few days ago.  I didn't need to feel bad.  "Anyways, we just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and, to give you this."  Her little brother Josh jumped out from behind her and clenched two small wrapped boxes in his hands.  I took the gifts with another thank you and some more uncomfortable feelings in my stomach.  I tried to get them to stay for a while, for coffee or something but graciously they declined and walked out.  I didn't know what to think of the visit. I still don't know actually.

In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. -John 1: 4,5

I sang a few more songs for the family, my grandparents said that they were going to leave so I said my quick goodbye's and went to my room while the rest of the family went to the foyer to see off my grandparents.  I sat on my bed and looked around at the presents from my stocking now sitting unwrapped in a pile in the middle of my floor.  A watch, movies, boxers, the usual.  I looked to the larger pile, the more expensive gifts sitting in the corner, waiting for my attention. Then I looked toward the presents handed to me from her brother, Josh.  I decided that for December at least, the presents didn't really matter and I'll find out what's inside them later. 

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”-Luke 2: 9-12

Come Emmanuel

Men's choir at school singing Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel.
one of the solo's is possibly sung by me? I was just really pushing it and trying to make it sound a lot more full.

Oh Come Emmanuel. We are making this Christmas perfect this year. 
And Ransom Captive Israel. It's the first chance at a "normal" Christmas in three years. 

Rejoice. And my dad wants to make it perfect. He just wants us all to be happy on Christmas.  It shouldn't be too much to ask for.  He isn't asking for any gifts, just for our happiness. 
That mourns in lonely exile here. I feel bad, because I don't know if I can give him that.  

Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice.
Rejoice.
Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel

All Paul

If you ever end up reading this, it'll just boost your ego, you don't need that.

But honestly, you are an awesome brother.  Being five years older than me, the things that you were doing always seemed to be so adventurous and really cool.  And even though it was our obligation as brothers to hate each other, we hated each other while still being friends.  I never even realized how much I looked up to you, especially when I was younger.

We were sort of like that vanilla rice krispies commercial, when the little brother wouldn't eat his cereal and his mom was getting frustrated.  Then his older brother showed up and he seemed so cool.  His older brother started eating the cereal and he realized that he wanted to eat the cereal too because his brother was. Because that is what cool, older kids did.

I was like that little kid, I wanted to follow Paul and his friends around but my mom would never let me because she claimed that I would just bother them.  I wanted to go to school with Paul and look in his class room and see the pet hamster, Snowball.  He would always get home from school and start playing soccer by himself and when I asked if I could play too, he would tell me that I wasn't good enough.  So my parents let me go play in a league and I played so that I could get better and play soccer with Paul. 

As we got older, he was 11 and I was 6.  I heard him playing the guitar and I wanted to play an instrument too.  So my parents got me a violin.

When Paul stopped liking TV shows like Arthur, I pretended too as well, just to be like Paul.  He didn't like tuna sandwiches so neither did I.

As we got older, Paul was allowed to start staying up later and watching movies that I wasn't and I got jealous of him. I would have done anything to be as old as Paul, to be one of Paul's friends because to me, he was the coolest kid ever (he was pretty cool still, not quite the coolest ever but still he had friends.)

You weren't ever a huge jerk to me and during the summer when we were home alone, you made it so much fun.  You let me start playing soccer with you and we played volleyball.  We went on bike ride adventures and you would get us ice cream.  I was always able to count on you to make me laugh so hard that milk would come out of my nose during dinner.  You probably waited for me to take a drink before you told a joke every time.

You started high school and your social life increased and you started to date and it seemed like you forgot about me.  Once and a while you would make me laugh so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants or you and I would go somewhere together, but those times became less and less often.

Then you got your license and, for a little while it seemed like you had forgotten about me completely until the summer, you were 17. I was 12.  You and I went camping. All of my friends thought it was so cool that it was just you and me, without mom and dad and I was so proud to say that my brother and I went camping, all alone.  My brother knew how to put up the tent and how to start a fire. 

You started university as I started high school and you moved out.  The house seemed so quite without you.  No music blaring from your bedroom or shrieks of laughter from you and your friends in the basement.  You came back home for the holidays and we hung out nearly the whole time. 

And then there was last year.  We went to California and we had parties in our room every night.  Well, I had a slightly different party the last night without you.  Thanks for switching rooms...

And we had managed to have fun and I managed to pin you down once.  

And unlike everything else in my life, nothing has changed with you and I.  Sometimes we might have a discussion that is deeper than it would have been but even when I was in the hospital you would come and visit everyday and you would sneak food in for me and we had the typical wheelchair race down the hallway and you made me consider smiling.  And seeing you brought a stop to the tearful visits, to the visits that were like how is your knee, how are you. Now how ARE you, how are YOU, HOW are you? and we could just try to leave the world behind for an hour and be brothers.  

It might sound really cliche, but we had brotherly love and you always had my back and you just really are a cool stand up guy.

If you don't say it when you think it, you might never get the chance.

I love you man.  

To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other's hearts.  We share private family jokes.  We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time.  ~Clara Ortega

Please Be There When I Need You The Most

Do you hear me?

Do you even care?

There Is No Heaven Without A Hell

I have no doubt in my mind that God is here, I've been through hell and I have seen what a world without God can look like.  I have seen Hades, I have watched helplessly as people slip from my grasp into the pits of death.  I used to be certain of God because of the grace that he has bestowed upon me.  Now it has been reaffirmed because a Devil cannot exist without God. 

To Claire From Sonny (Attempt 2)

I saw the comment that told me how to do this but it appears that Youtube and I do not get along.

SO

if you haven't already, watch this video on this link

TO CLAIRE FROM SONNY

if you have already seen it, watch it again

I would write about it but, what else is there to add?

therapeutic reasons

Sometimes I lie on my floor and hope that you will turn up on my doorstep.

December  6, 2010

Dear Hannah,
Everyday, I still miss you.  Everyday, I wish that I could still be with you. 
I don't know what to say to you really because you are so far gone. At the same time though, I have so many things that I want to say.  Sometimes I wonder if you can just see inside my heart and head and know what I want to say to you.  I hope you can because then you would really know how much I love you.  I didn't say it enough when you were still here.  I love you.  I hope that you can see that every second is spent thinking of you.  My mom bought your family an early Christmas present, she said it was for Sinterklaas (Dutch Christmas for those of you who aren't Dutch).  I dropped it off for her yesterday.  Your house still smells the same.  Like cinnamon and firewood.  Your mom answered the door and your dad was sitting in his chair in the living room.  Your brothers have quieted down a lot, you would have been happy about that.  When your mom opened the door, three emotions mingled together and formed her facial expression.  It was a mix of surprise, happiness and deep sorrow.  I stared somberly and appeared to be nothing more than an empty shell freezing in the wind.  She took a moment to understand what was happening.  To be honest, I haven't seen your family in months.  Your dad's hair is longer.  She welcomed me inside as she stepped back off the threshold to your house and I hesitated to walk in.  I did though.
Immediately memories came bursting into my mind breaking down the brick wall I carefully constructed.  I stepped inside your house and I saw the staircase leading up to your room, I remember how often I would wait in the front for you to come down the stairs.  You still have pictures up along the staircase.  The pictures of you haven't changed.  Your brothers and your parents have new pictures.  The old family picture was still up, though beside it was a more recent one, without you.
I don't know why you would want to hear this or why I am even telling you.  I used to tell you everything. And you would tell me just as much.  That is what I miss the most.  Sure I miss seeing you and I miss holding your hand. Hell, I miss kissing you, I miss our dates and I miss sharing our lunch with each other but, I miss the way we could talk.  I miss how I shared my life with someone.  I miss hearing about what is happening to you. I miss how you would listen and just let me talk. You wouldn't interrupt me, and you knew when not to try and give me advice. People don't realize that I just need to complain every now and then and I don't want an answer.
I miss being happy and smiling with you instead of me crying alone writing this out without you.

Sometimes I visit where we buried you and lie down next to where you are and I wonder what you are doing. And if you miss me as much as I miss you.    

Christmas Lights

Still waiting for the snow to fall
It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on
...

Christmas season has officially started. It is December.  I usually like Christmas.  I like the hype around it and the excitement and the crisp chill in the air.  Going to the mall and buying presents.  Visiting family and talking with cousins and aunts and uncles I haven't seen in a while.  Having the snow fall slowly outside while you walk around the house in the warmth.  Drinking candy cane hot chocolate.  Being with my family and my friends and watching people's smiles as they open my presents.  Eating dinners and chocolate and baked goods. Time off of school.  Skating and playing hockey.  Having snowball fights and sitting in hot tubs surrounded by snow.  
I am hoping for a good Christmas this year. That is all I want, a fun holiday.  No presents necessary.
Last year I spent all of December in the hospital and I got a two day pass for Christmas Eve and Christmas.  The time wasn't like usual Christmas, sure everyone was happy to see me home but I couldn't handle crowds, I couldn't handle big activities.  I spent a lot of the days talking quietly and opening presents slowly throughout the day.  It didn't have the usual Christmas vibe of excitement.  
I'm hoping for this year to be different.  I strung Christmas lights along the roof with my dad and brother today.  It seemed normal.  The way Christmas should be.  The way my life should be.

...
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Maybe they'll bring her back to me
Then all my troubles will be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on
-Christmas Lights, Coldplay

Tonight I Wanna Cry

On Friday, we had an assembly.  It was focused on the arts.  It was in memory of them. Evan used to paint, Hannah would sing, and Josh played countless instruments. So in the assembly, we had the band and orchestra play.  Someone painted a picture during the assembly and we watched as they moved along. The choir sang and so did many other people, including me.  
The day was sad, most of the school was crying.  As the school started to fill just before 9am, the usual bustle and laughter was not heard in the halls. Students were silent.  I walked in the doors and the eyes in the lobby fell on me, then a few seconds later resumed to looking at where they were going.  At lunch, I was surrounded by people supporting me.  We were in a hallway and at one point probably 200 students were standing around me.  It was slightly claustrophobic but it was silent so it wasn't too bad.  We stood there and heard the breaths of one another and the tears that hit the floor.  Someone started to pray and relief could be felt in the crowd.  I started to shiver with intensity as the rest of the students started to pray at the same time, all aloud and the noise of the mixed voices was a comfort in contrast to the silence of the day.
I am sure more is to come on this day.
But for now, here is the song I sang at the assembly.

Tonight I Want To Cry
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walking away

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control
I'm just drunk enough, let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
'All By Myself' sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
I'll never get over you by hiding this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control
I'm just drunk enough, let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control
I'm just drunk enough, let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Devastation

In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate
-Isaac Asimov

Friday is the big day and I'm expected at school
...big day. The thought of calling it the big day makes me feel nauseous. 
It's just a reminder of the day from hell. Like Good Friday without an Easter Sunday.

I hate how the world kept turning even when it seemed to be crashing down around me.  I hate how time kept going forward even though that half hour lasted days.  I hate how life goes on even when three of them just ended. 

Hurt

I swear that now my knee is hurting worse as we approach this year anniversary, it hurts all the time.  One week two days.  It might only be a week and one day by the time I post this. Depends on how long I take. 
It's natural that I am having a hard time with this right?  Just tell me that it's normal that I have to walk out of class because I don't want everyone to see me crying.  I mean, I was there!  I watched my friends die.  For every second I feel pain in my knee, ten is remembering them.  I can't stand still with my thoughts, but I can't walk with my knee. 
I can't concentrate on anything anymore.  Every waking moment a thought about what could be happening now.  What was happening this time last year.  A thought about the crash. The funerals. The hospital. The tears. The frustration. The rage. The pain.
There is a point of desperation that some people feel, when they so badly want to escape the emotional pain that they are feeling so they try and distract themselves from it.  But the only thing that they can find is more pain.  
There is a point of desperation that some people feel, when they so badly want to escape the emotional pain and they realize that distractions can only last for a while, the only option that they see is to remove themselves from the pain.  To remove themselves from this world.           
I have yet to reach this desperation.  I never tried to inflict more pain upon myself because I felt immense amounts of it already.  The physical pain never blotted out the grief i felt.  The ability to feel just expanded one-hundred fold after the crash.  Somehow my head made room for both pains, one never softened the other, if anything they encouraged one another. Maybe it's because they both happened at the same time, maybe if I had inflicted pain later it could have done some distracting. 
Maybe some other drugs could have helped remove some of the emotional pain like the medication took away some of the physical.  
Maybe if I had killed myself I would be in peace.  I wouldn't be going through this hell on earth.  I had said before that I would have gladly died in the place of them.
But had I started cutting myself, the amount of pain I could feel would probably just have increased again.  Drugs would have probably just clouded my head and not clear it. Hannah never approved of drugs anyway.  Neither did I, to be clear.  She wouldn't have wasted the life if she had been given the opportunity, so neither will I.
I said that I would have died for them. I won't die for myself though.  I am not dead and there must be some reason for that. There must be a reason why I was spared when I wish I wasn't.  Giving up my life because I saw so many others had theirs taken away doesn't make sense.  I know that I am lucky to be alive, even though it's not what I want, it is better than being dead. And if I remember that, I should be just fine.  
Not fine. But alive.  I haven't forgotten it yet, so I should be alright.   

Rant

"There's a whole lot of things that I will forgive
But I just can't take a liar"

 I am a blunt person.  You ask me a question and I will give you the honest truth.  If you are looking for a pity party or someone to build up your self esteem, I would not suggest you come to me for help.  Maybe it is because of my past experiences or it has just always been my personality, but I don't deal with that sort of shit that people make up to make you feel better.  Things like "It was a good effort" really means, "it sucked and you are an idiot now go away."

I don't answer things the politically correct way.  I find that politically correct really means either not giving an answer or telling a lie.  That is why you stick politically in front of correct. 

See, I am the Student Council president at my school. We like to share our ideas with everyone on the council and sometimes they go places. Sometimes they don't.  And some people, a certain person actually, always has the worst ideas of my life. He suggested we forced ever person at the school to have to pay $100 so that we could plan events.  I shot that one down gently.   He probably had his 20th bad idea so far this year, he didn't want to serve any food at our banquet.  I don't think he understands the word banquet. I was a little bit frustrated with him.  I sunk like 100 bullets into that idea, ripped it out of his brain, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. EVEN WITH A BAD KNEE. He frustrates me a little bit. 

Well, moral of the story,  besides don't come up to me with horrible idiotic ideas while I am stressed out to the max with school and Council stuff and Recruitment and Concert Band Christmas Performance  and Assembly Planning and work, would be don't be let idiots know when they are being dumb so that they might catch on and get better, that is my thought on it anyways.

Another day I will deal with the under lying reasons as to why I am so involved.

Free McDonalds Coffee is keeping my alive.

Sorry, school is busy, blogging can't be kept up like I had hoped.

I have lots to say.  

I had planned to write about something different, so the quote would have made sense, I got off topic.

And Now We Lie, In Flanders Fields

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
   The torch; be yours to hold it high.
   If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
         In Flanders fields.
In Flanders Fields 
          -John McCrae

Today we remember the veterans who fought for our freedom.  We remember the young men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice, their life. We remember the families that should have been but never were. Throughout the country people dawned their poppies, for many of us, we think of loved ones who fought or are fighting for freedom.  for two minutes today the whole country, with heads bowed respectfully, stopped, reflected, cried in silence at 11:00.  As if the whole country held its breath and hundreds of trumpets played in unison, The Last Post.  

Whether we honor those who died in November or we stand, remove our cap and clap for the veterans in July, Lest We Forget.

Bribes? They Are Working

I was encouraged to start driving to school again.  My dad thought that buying me a car would help inspire me to drive.  It worked to be honest.  It's not exactly a car. Its blue and shiny, it's an SUV, and it might be a Mercedes and it may be brand new.  You don't need to know the price.  I call it a truck, because it's easier and it sounds cooler.
I still don't drive that often.  Sometimes even getting into a car stresses me out.  Sometimes, when I get into a car my memory becomes vivid and I don't realize that it is just a memory.  My mouth goes dry and I feel nauseous.  I feel like my stomach has been stabbed and the knife has been left to sit there, my stomach cramps around the blade.  Sometimes, I can feel the warm thick blood dripping down my leg.
I drove to school today. I was slightly comforted by knowing that I was the only one in the truck.  I got to school fine.  I pulled into a parking spot near the back ten minutes before school started.  I put the truck in park and then slowly released the break.  I rested my elbows on the steering wheel and covered my face with the palms of my hands, fingers in my hair.  I took deep breaths and told myself that I got to school, that I did fine, that I would be fine. I sat there still to afraid to get out of the truck.  I know it's strange,  the very thing that scares me is the thing that I can't seem to leave.  I turned on the radio.  Grenade, Bruno Mars.  I turned it off again.  I felt like I might puke.  I put the window down to get some cold air on my face.  I took a deep breath of the air and my throat felt like ice.  I put the window back up again. pushed the emission to turn the car off.  
I don't know if people were staring at me, or my Mercedes, maybe both. I'm not really sure but I was feeling even more uncomfortable with the stares.  
I sat in the car a few more minutes before going inside.  Class had already started but I had a look of great distress still on my face as I walked into Biology.  She looked up, saw me and her stern look turned into compassion.  She sighed, "William, nice of you to finally join us. You're seat is still waiting."
And the day went on without a problem.

During the gunshot and agony, all that could keep him alive was the thought going back to her.

Now he is back with her but the memory of the gunshots and agony are killing him.

Mine

So I had an English assignment that I had to do, it was presenting a poem as if i was actually the author and it was a story that i had written.  The poem had to be changed slightly in some way.  I took a song, recorded it at school and ended up with a pretty good mark. anyway, here is a cover "Mine" by Taylor Swift.