See whenever someone dies, I feel its like everyone who has previously died has died again.
I was doing well the first two weeks, but I'm not so well anymore.
I was keeping myself busy. I was making dinners and doing homework that wasn't due and I changed oil in a car, which is something I'd never otherwise do. Most of the time, I don't know what day it is, I don't understand what time it is, my sleeping habits are ruined. I hit the wall hard.
This is my accomplishment for the week.
I'm sure that you have all experienced a loss before. Maybe not of a parent but maybe a grandparent, great aunt, family friend, something. Remember how hard that loss was for you and your family, how hard it was for your parents. Do you remember how much easier it was with your best friends there with you, to help you out through those times? They made you consider smiling, or they were just there and it provided comfort.
My best friends died in a car a year and a half ago. And right now, I'm wishing I died with them. It's not that I don't have friends now, I just don't have the best friends like before.
I wish my best friends were here. I wish my mom was here. I wish my life wasn't like this.
I would have played a different song for the funeral, except I didn't have much time to prepare and I didn't want to sing. I had to do something and I had started playing that version of the song the week before so I figured it was good enough.
If you have ever lost a parent, whether through death or some other horrible series of events, you probably have some idea how sorry I am for you. For those of you who have two parents and a functional family, you have no idea how jealous I am of you.
It's a different feeling. When you lose best friends you can remember times before they were there. When you lose a grandparent you can remember when you had gone weeks and months without seeing them, so you know that it will be alright. Your mother has always been there. I hadn't gone three days without talking to my mom before now. It's a numbing experience. Everyone's eyes are tired and empty, sad and heavy. Every movement is slow and necessary, no energy is wasted because mourning uses it all up. This is harder than anything else, harder than losing three people at once. It's hard to see my brother and father like this.
The receiving visitation line was short, my father, Paul, Michelle, me, my Oma. The condolence giving visitation line was long, waits two hours long; my mother was loved.
See the Bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out
When you look into the small wooden box and see the frail sad body of what was once a beautiful strong lady, when you see the peace on her face instead of the hidden pain, you know that when the lid closes, you won't ever see her again.
I feel a strong pull to get away from here. As far away as possible. To a place without reminders of what I left behind. I am sure that I would miss my dad and Paul and my entire family. But they could come and visit. And if I go to Australia I wouldn't have to be their until either November or February depending whether or not I decide to start during the summer session or not. I want to stay with my family but I can't be here anymore.
Everybody Hurts
You're Not Alone
This isn't easy. When Hannah and Evan and Josh died, I was in the hospital dying from internal bleeding and having operations on my knee. I was drugged up for most of the tough times, except the funerals. This time feels different. This time my family is more directly affected. People from school told me it was a humbling experience seeing three men stand side by side and cry during a funeral. Had Paul or my dad not started to cry there would have been a much less chance of me crying as well. I have only cried twice since she passed away, at the funeral and when we buried her.
At the funeral the family walked in after everyone else was seated and the first two pews were reserved for us as it often times happens at funerals. I followed Paul and Michelle to the front of the church, through the crowded overflow section, into the packed sanctuary and all the way to the front, past our mother to our seats. The walk seemed long.
I was at the front on the right, my brother was front left, my dad back right and my uncle back left. We carried her out of the church.
May Angels Lead You In.
I went to school yesterday. My teacher sent me home. My guidance councilor called and asked to talk to me when I was ready about school. I was there the next day at 9, right when school starts. He told me not to go to anymore classes, not to take the exams, to finish my summative projects if I wanted. I had pretty much already finished my Performing Arts summative anyway so I will probably finish it. I don't think I'll finish any other ones though.
We have a lot of plants. If you ever want some plants for inside your house or plants for in your garden, just ask, we have plenty. My dad likes the plants though, more than flowers because the plants can live for years.
People have told me that they don't know what to say. They haven't all experienced a close death, even when people have they still don't know what to say, I wouldn't know what to say. For those of you who didn't know what to say but said something anyways, thank you. I hated it at the time, but I'm sure I will grow to be grateful for all the messages.
For those of you who didn't say something but thought about me and my family or prayed for me, thank you as well, it was all really appreciated and it was good to know that were thought of.
Jack Astor's called and let me know that I didn't have to start work again until August but if I wanted to start sooner I'd just have to call. That place is great.
There's a Peace I've Come To Know
though my heart and flesh may fail
there's an anchor for my soul
I can say It Is Well.
I still have the earrings that I was planning on giving to Hannah for Christmas, I had bought them the night before. They are too expensive to just throw away. I don't know how this thought fits with this post.
I know I already complained about how this years Mothers' Day was horrible, but I was correct, next years will be even worse. She died on May 9th. I had posted something new on Mothers' Day, and not an hour later we were at the hospital to say our goodbyes. Nobody had left her side for over 24 hours. Someone was always with her when she was awake and when she was asleep. Paul was napping in his car at the time, I was getting coffee and my dad was with her. He had to go to the bathroom really badly. He had only excused himself for a minute. It was quick, peaceful, she wasn't in pain, she had her family with her up until the last minute. She was awake and conscience at the very end. The coffees weren't good.
We all knew this one was coming, we were just hoping that it wouldn't happen so fast.
It isn't supposed to happen this way you know. Your child is supposed to move out and go away to college or something first, and then gain independence slowly, be able to call and ask how to do laundry and what I am supposed to do with my striped shirts. She was supposed to be at my graduation, and my wedding and every other important event. She was supposed to be in thousands more pictures with me.
Life was going to get better, it wasn't going to be 5 in 500.
I was supposed to be valedictorian, I don't know if I'm still doing it. It doesn't seem right.
I have written a lot over the past while. Most of it didn't make sense. Even less sense than this did. I added something new over every couple days, which is why it may not seem to flow. I wasn't going for anything special.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’ ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’
Will asked me to post something letting you guys know about this, and to tell you that he might be back in a while.
The last enemy to be destroyed is death
1 Corinthians 15:26
On Monday, the 9th of May, 2011, Phillip William Hagendoerm lost his mother 529 days after the death of his three best friends.
Your thoughts, prayers, and condolences have been appreciated.
Sincerely,
Paul Hagendoerm and Family
For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’
‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Dear Mom,
Happy Mother's Day.
The world is not right when you're only allowed to visit your mother during certain hours on the day that was made for her.
Next years Mother's Day will be so much different than this one. I can tell already.
This song has brought me so much peace today. I've just been listening to it nonstop on repeat. The high of yesterday's happiness has worn off. The doctors said that it was good for my mom to have spent the day at home, that was before she got really sick tonight though.
I was told today that it is unlikely she will get better.
And it's not just a game
You can't throw me away
I put all I had on the line
And I give and you take
And I played the high stakes
I've won and I've lost
But, I'm fine
Hear me say I'll rise up 'til the end
Hear me say I'll stand up for my friends
And I crash to the ground
And it's just my own sound
I drop in the blink of an eye
I'm colorblind
And your milky way fight
Won't stop my delight
You kick me and lock me away
And it's dark and it's bright
It's your colorful pride that kept me here 9000 days
Hear me say I'll see the sky again
Hear me say I'll die for you my friend
There's a noise in the crowd
But it's just my own shout
I'll stumble I'll fall and I pray
I Hear you say your eyes see green again
In the end we'll lift our golden hands
Yes, we'll spark you and I
We'll be colorblind
And these are the lives we gave
Hear me say I'll rise up 'til the end
Hear me say that I'll stand beside my friends
I won't stay on the floor
I will settle the score
I'll stumble I'll fall and I pray
Hear me say it's time we stop our hate
Eye to eye we see a different fate
Yes we we've conquered the war
With love at the core
I'll stumble I'll fall, but I'll stay
Colorblind.
I'm not actually cold blooded, but cold emotioned. Not in the way you might think it is. See, a little science lesson for you, cold blooded animals need to go to warm places to heat up their blood and go to cool places to cool off their blood, they can't control their temperature themselves.
I'm like that but with my emotion. Some people I know are happy all the time. Some are also angry all the time. Not me, my mood fluctuates like crazy.
My mom had a day pass from the hospital today. Which is a good sign. Sure it's only one day, but it's something, so I skipped school today, my dad and Paul and Michelle skipped work too. And the five of us hung out, as a family. There was some laughing, some bonding, some good times in general.
My mom was obsessed with the Royal Wedding, but because it started at like 1am and went till like 4 or something, my mom wasn't allowed to watch it in the hospital. So we taped it for her. None of us watched any of it, we turned off the TV when recaps came one and we didn't touch the newspaper. So it was like we were all watching it for the first time with her. Now, usually I really would not give a damn about the royal wedding but I took an interest for my mom. We made fun of the uglies and awed at the pretty ones. We saw that kiss everyone had been talking about. And it was just a good time considering I was watching a wedding.
Then we played scrabble. And I won, pretty much only because my mom was off her game that day, considering.
The day was great, Oh and we sang. And Paul had his guitar with him, and we had just gotten a new piano in the parlor so I got to play it and it was still perfectly tuned and it sounds way better than the one in the sitting room.
We were like a functional family. There was no sadness, no fear of death, just a family like they should be.
At the end of the night, my mom was done, she was so tired but so happy.
We drove her back to the hospital and entered reality again. I haven't smiled so much all year.
Three dumbest questions
1. "How're you doing?"
2. "Are you alright?"
3. "What's the matter?"
I think that I have already ranted about dumb questions.
They just never stop.
In case you were wondering.
1. Awful.
2. NO.
3. My mother has cancer. What do you think the matter is?
