Where is the Love?

Yesterday, was national epilepsy day, hence the purple. 

Our class contributed in a small way to children and their families who struggle with epilepsy everyday by going to one of their meetings and performing songs, dances, and random improv plays.

So, here is a slightly revised song by Train.

There were a few minor lyric mishaps during Love Story.

the difference between You and Me

I know that you knew them as well.  But I am the one who experienced the impact, I saw their blood, I saw their eyes.  I heard her last breaths and the long high-pitched beep coming from the machines.  I felt the car crash that killed them; I felt her hand grow limp.  

I was there, I experienced, and I know what happened.  You were all spared the graphics, you weren't told how they were positioned, you didn't see how their dead eyes stared back at you, and nobody told you what the blood smelled like. 

You saw the van and you cringed, you saw pictures of the scene and you turned away, you knelt by their coffin and cried. I was in the van, at the scene; there was no place to turn to escape the destruction. I didn't see them with the makeup, folded arms and closed eyes so that they looked almost peaceful and at rest, I saw them bloody and broken.  

Many times when bodies are recovered, family and friends are told not to watch, not to be at the scene because it is a memory that you do not want to have.  You don't want to see them in that state.  I know the impact that killed them, I watched them die.  And I have that memory.

So, I am sorry that you tragically lost your child, sibling, grandchild, niece, nephew, cousin, boyfriend, friend, acquaintance.  But you didn't experience their death like I did, you didn't see what I saw, hear what I heard, smell what I smelled, or feel what I felt.



RestInPeace.  

TimeTravel

"If you could travel back in time, when would you go to?"
"I used to live in the past, now I live in the present, I wouldn't use it."
"You wouldn't go back to save a life?"
"No. I'd go back to say goodbye."

Happiness Damn Near Destroys You

I don't know how happiness can destroy you.  If you are happy, you are complete and you are filled.  The only time that happiness can destroy you is when it eludes you.  Whether it is right in front of your face but you don't think that it is enough, or it died with a person you love.  
Just wait, happiness runs when things get hard.  But it always comes back, if you'll let it. 

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone-not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good
-HappinessTheFray

Mother

It's spring, or just about.  Tulips are coming up out of the dirt, and to my Opa, that meant spring.  Spring is loved by a lot of people.  Because the earth regains color and things begin to grow again.  It gets warmer and the sun comes out and the rain stops and the last of the snow melts.  The bright colors will be starting again. Instead of the bland grays and whites of winter.  There is a sort of cheer in the air.  The windows can be opened for a while to let new air in the house.  It is Spring so naturally, things are growing. Again.

My mom gets sick a lot lately.  It's not just like she gets a head cold during the winter.  It's like a sickness that you can see behind her eyes and in her skin and on her breath.  And when she is sick, she rarely gets out of bed, she doesn't eat or drink, she doesn't laugh.  

Paul picked me up at the airport on Thursday.  My dad said that he and my mom would.  When I got home, my dad was asleep on the couch, Friends was playing on TV.  Joey and Chandler were being idiots.  My dad wanted to name me Ross. I'm glad my mom was there.  After watching the show though, he started calling me Ross.  He said I was like him.

Usually my mom greets me when I come home, even if it is from school, or after I spent a few hours with my friends.  I had been gone for two weeks and she was in her room asleep. 

I knew she was sick the moment I walked in the doors.  I had asked my dad if she was better.  I asked her how she was doing while in Europe.  They could have told me she was still sick.  She had been sick since before I left.  I asked because I wanted to know.  She has been sick for three weeks.  It doesn't usually last that long.  A week, week and a half maybe.  My dad wants her to see a doctor.  She doesn't care because she is already getting tests done.

It is Spring, the sun comes out and it is warm.  You want to be outside.  

My mom is sick, she refuses to get out of bed, she refuses to go outside.

Things grow in the spring.  Things are reborn.

Cancer may relapse, but I have a feeling that it didn't.  

Dear cancer,

My mom is too strong for you. Just leave already.

Sincerely, her son.

 

Let it Be, You Can't Make it Come or Go

*I am pretty much typing what I'm thinking, so deal with it.

An old lady told me yesterday that I could make my way through life on my smile, wit, and looks.  It was an awkward moment to say the least.  Well she was 35, but still no thank you Cougar Town. 
I don't mean to sound full of myself, because that's just weird, but I have charmed my way through a few things.  I am a waiter at Jack Astor's, it's the way I get good tips.  A little smile can get you a long way. 

And it disturbs me how easy it would be to manipulate someone. I have talked my way out of trouble with teachers and into extension dates for assignments.  My parents tell me that I would make a great lawyer or politician because of the way that I convince people.  Hitler was a great politician.  But so was Mandela.  It just depends on how you use your gifts.

I don't want to charm my way through life.  It's probably easier than actually working for it all.  Sometimes it just gives you the edge to get what you need.  But I still want to deserve it, to have earned it. There is just a fine line between using it to your advantage and using it to take advantage.    

I feel like my writing doesn't leave an impact.  not like when I speak.  What I write may get me good marks in English, and it may get me hundreds of hits a week on this blog, but it's not influential.  

A lot of things have been handed to me in life.  It's never been a struggle.  Even when horrible things happen, it's like I get sympathy votes.  And it disgusts me.  People look at my past and feel bad for me, and then they see some potential that I don't and it's like they are expecting something great from me.  Like I'll rise from the sorrows into greatness. 
I don't know if I am supposed to use it, or not.  It was given to me when I would have preferred none of it, it has shaped who I am and I can't stop that.  I don't know if it is a gift or a test.  I don't know if I should actively pursue this or just let it be.  

People trust me. And there is a lot of responsibility that comes with that.  I just don't understand what I am supposed to do with it.
Someone, who I am not exactly fond of, told me this quote applied to my life.  I don't know if I agree.

But I think that it is clear that we can expect great things from you. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things. Terrible! Yes. But great.
-Mr. Ollivander, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

European Plugs

1. European Buildings are THE SHIT. As in great. Not actually shitty or anything.

Oh, sorry if your American and take offense to that word.

But France and Italy and Greece are definitely are in the top 5 countries I have been to.   

2. European electrical plugs are dumb. As in dumb.  Because regular North American plugs still fit into them, but trust me they don't work!  I wasn't thinking, I plugged my laptop in without the adapter.  It doesn't work anymore.  But I already ordered a new one so I guess it wasn't that big of a deal.

3. I have learned a valuable lesson.  Don't spend two weeks with a cousin.  You get annoyed.

4. I've decided to go to school in Australia, then move to Europe. (granted I get accepted of course)  

5. Learn another language, they come in handy.  But don't assume French12 actually makes you fluent because it does not.

6. Travel the world.  Go to every continent, you can skip Antarctica if you really want.

Broken Memories

I don't get it. I just don't understand how, how just two seconds can turn my life upside down but it takes two years to turn it right side up again.  It is something that I can't properly wrap my head around.

I hate the way my memory plays games with me.  I hate how your voices haunt my sleep.  But like all dreams, after I wake up the more I try to remember the less I can recall.  I know that I remember your voices, I hear it in my dreams.  But the moment I wake up, it's gone.  I can't properly explain to you my frustrations.  But I wake up every morning and I'm mad that I woke up.  Because if it was an option I wouldn't have moved on and it wouldn't be just a dream.  I wish they were here with me.     

I remember every one of your mother's father's faces as they twisted and contorted in tears flowing down onto their laps during your funerals.  But I can't remember the last words Hannah spoke to me.

I remember my mom told me to not to get hurt and to be careful.  

I remember the moments of the crash.
I remember calling 911.
I remember seeing Evan's dead body.

I remember the ambulance when Hannah died.

I remember your funerals.
I remember a lot of horrors.  

There are a lot of things that I remember but want to forget.
There are a lot of things that I forget that but to remember. 

I miss you guys. 

Please, May You Rest In Peace.

And When The Hell Does "You'll Get Over It" Begin?

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

And I will rise when He calls my name 
No more sorrow, no more pain 
I will rise on eagles' wings 

-It really is quite rude to do this through a computer, but I think that an exception can be made for my circumstance.-

It's not that I stopped loving you. Honestly, nothing could be less true.  I will always love you.  But I can't go on with the rest of my life loving nothing more than a soul and a corpse.  You have moved on, maybe I should to.

And I haven't moved on to someone new.  I don't think I will for a while. I don't know what is going to happen to me. 
I don't know what is happening to you right now.  I don't know if you remember me, I don't know if you even know that I am writing this out right now. I don't know if you saw the pain that I went through. Maybe it would be better if you hadn't.
I don't know how my life is supposed to unfold. I never planned for this to happen.  But it did, and now its in the past and it is time for me to move on.  Move through and not dwell with what I think should have been.  

Because I know that there is a plan for me. And as much as it kills me, you were never meant to stay a part of it. 
I still love you.
But I can't love a corpse anymore.
You need to know that I will always love you, but I just can't do this anymore.  And that last line sounds weird, because it sounds like I am breaking up with you. 
You just, you have to understand that I don't want to, but I have to, and you know that. You just have to know it. 
You can't respond to this I know but I am getting desperate, because you need to understand before I can do this.  

And although it might sound like I am breaking up with you, really it feels like you are dumping me. 

I don't regret it you know. I don't regret anything that happened.  I know we made mistakes, and did things that we shouldn't have but, I still don't regret it.
I swear to you, I will never forget. 

It's just time for me to let you go.

Please, May You Rest In Peace

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

-Chris Tomlin, I Will Rise

Claustrophobic

Do you ever wake up in the morning and find an empty house?  It happens to me a lot lately.  It used to be disconcerting. But now I enjoy the solitude. I'm not bothered, people aren't in my way, there isn't any noise.  
My dad has an office at home. I'm not really sure why though, he never uses it.  
My brother still has a bedroom here, but he moved out two years ago and got married this past summer. 
We have a living room that I have been in twice because we only go in there on extreme occasions.
We have a dinning room that we have never eaten in because we eat in the other dinning room.
Maybe if the house was smaller, I wouldn't feel so alone in it.  
Except really, I don't mind feeling alone.
I'm not found in much of my house.  Odds are, I'm in the piano room, or my bedroom.  Maybe the kitchen or pool room. 
I always used to think that the best part of vacations was sharing a hotel room with Paul. 
I used to like sitting and watching TV with my dad.
I used to want to have my friends over and hang out in the basement.
I used to wonder when my mom would be home from the store.
I like the solitude now.  
Sometimes, I like feeling alone.
Because sometimes it's just easier that way.




Next year, at University, I get a roommate.
I am having some mixed feelings about that.

Never Say Never

So, one time, about a year and a half ago, Hannah wanted me to "Look Cute" in a picture.  Achieving this goal was nearly impossible. attempting this was embarrassing.  I was scrolling through the pictures. And I found this, I thought I would share.  Putting it on the internet may not be a wise choice but for right now, I don't care. 
Just to remind you, the picture was not my idea. 
Also even though the song is repetitive, and old, i like it.

Everyone liked it for that matter, well the people i was friends with.
o and for those of you hoping for the Beibs. go away.
THAT IS ALL.