I told my dad and my brother right around the time that my mom passed away that I kept a blog. Paul showed interest in it and apparently now checks it and comments on my posts. But my dear father said, "No, that is what soccer moms do to pretend that they have meaningful lives. I think your mom kept one once." And then he got slightly hostile to the idea. Just to be clear, Barney Stinson (how i met your mother) keeps a blog. And he is not a soccer mom. I figured that pretty much guarantees to me that my dearest father won't ever check my blog or read this post so I can write it all out before I decide to go talk to him in real life.
You changed yourself for me. I am flattered don't get me wrong. You actually listened to the little hints that I gave, you picked up on the things that annoyed me. And I am surprised that anyone would put in this much effort just to make me happy. You told me that you stopped working as much because you knew how much I hated that you seemed to put your work before everything.
There are two parts to this though, the first is that you changed, but the second is that everything else changed as well.
You changed and it scared me. The things that you changed to make me happy were the things that I loved most about you because it is what made you, you. You changed your personality, you changed the way you spoke but you stopped listening. All that I wanted was for the old you back but I had no right to ask for that. You probably just wanted to old me back too.
I started a new journey and we started sharing stories but if I am honest, I thought that your stories were boring and I just didn't understand them because the people in them meant nothing to me. I could have tried harder but I just thought that my stories were better, I thought that I didn't need to listen to you or talk to you because in a way you were old and boring. I wasn't always able to talk, that is more an excuse than anything because I could have found the time if I wanted to. My new life was so exciting and fast paced and I didn't want to slow down and fall behind because you had a story of how you learned to make pasta for yourself.
It took you longer to keep your life going. I felt like your nagging was constantly dragging me down, every time I talked to you you were shy and reserved and you were not at all the person that I used to admire. I don't know where your friends went at that time or where Paul and Michelle were because you seemed so alone and empty when had our very few and awkward conversations. I didn't enjoy talking to you as much because you weren't you. If you had just stayed yourself then our relationship would be so much different right now, we would be happier with each other, we would be so much closer. But this isn't your fault still, I should have been more sensitive, it was the first time ever you were alone. I just abandoned you but I needed time to figure myself out. I just wanted you to stay the same and to be a rock because I had no idea where I was going or what was going to happen to me next and then you just faded away.
Just a few years ago I tried so hard to have a relationship with you, any kind at all, but you just brushed me off. So I know how much it hurt for you this year. A little sadistic part of me though, almost enjoyed putting you through that because it was about time that you learned what it was like to be in my shoes.
You seem to be doing so much better, now you are really happy. I have no right to be part of your happiness, I know. After all I ignored you when you could have used me most. I am glad that you are happy and I would like to be an even bigger part of it if you'd let me.
I just would like to let you know that I really am sorry for what happened. I am sorry for being insensitive and distant. I am sorry that part of me is jealous of Izzi, but I promise to be as nice to her as I possibly can. Maybe it is just the narcissist in me thinking this but if I pushed you away from me and towards her then I am sorry for ignoring you but I promise that I will try harder from now on. I already lost one parent and I am not going to lose the other one as well.
I don't want for us to go back to the way we were before all of this but back to the way we were headed.
I keep re-reading this post over and over again. I know you wrote it about you and your dad, but it feels like all of William's feelings towards me in the last year. Maybe I'm just reading what I want him to say, though. Or what I imagined he'd say, because when we talk about stuff that happened in the last year, this is everything that he said, but in less coherent words. I dunno. I think this is just my new favourite post of yours. It may or may not be inspiring me to write to my own dad. Or at the very least, come out and say the things I'm too chicken to say.
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